Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.
April is the time of the pre-freshman invasion. Their doe-eyed innocence can only be described as “cute.” And with a pair of “WUggles” on, they’re “hot enough for me.” For those who claim to “not know” what WUggles are, to wear WUggles is to have distorted perception, making moderately decent-looking individuals seem ridiculously good-looking. The use of WUggles can lead to involvement with a person whose picture you keep hidden from your friends.
Disgusted and tired of seeing his friends pairing off with unattractive bumpkins, freshman Doug Landy decided to do something about it. One quick phone call to the ABC network was all it took.
When asked about their choice of Wash. U. as their new location, producers of ABC’s “Extreme Makeover” described “a shockingly disturbing phone call about some form of goggle everyone was wearing. Goggles are not acceptable day apparel. So we decided to check it out.” Associate producer Joe Bologna’s reaction was, to put it mildly, one of surprise when he arrived on campus last Tuesday.
“It’s a mixture of dismay and delight. There are so many unattractive faces – yet so much potential!” Joe pointed to a girl walking through the underpass and joyously exclaimed, “I guess what Emory says is true; Wash. U. girls are ugly!”
Overwhelmed by the multitude of horrifying faces, Joe had to call reinforcements to make the executive decision. Finally, a young man (who will remain nameless) with too-long hair and beady eyes was selected to be made over into a look-alike of his hero, Chancellor Mark S. Wrighton.
The show’s senior hair expert Sam Sequoia gave a run-down of the transformation.
“We plan first to thin his hair using a combination of hydrochloric acid and Efferdent,” he said, adding later that this technique would also lighten the hair and “create deep crags in the upper facial area, which resemble wrinkles to a very, very drunk person.”
Saboura, also the show’s stylist (and the only one who doesn’t get to hold a knife), planned the young man’s attire. “Powder blue suits are a must, especially while going on dates. When faced with such a widespread epidemic like WUggles, you might as well take advantage.”
As for the facial structure, this young man was fortunate enough to already possess a lovely moon-shaped face.
“Thank goodness,” said Anthony Puffin, M.D., one of the “Extreme Makeover” plastic surgeons. “Changing the facial shape is a difficult and challenging process, often involving packing peanuts or bubble wrap to fill the gaps between the bones.”
Meanwhile, another of the “Extreme Makeover” stylists, Quinn A. Morgendorffer, M.D., found a deliciously ugly female specimen in line at Bear’s Den. When offered the chance to have a makeover, however, the girl was not enthused, citing something she learned from Oprah about beauty on the “inside.” Yeah right, ugly girl. Everyone knows that this little sentiment is what mothers tell their ugly daughters.
Dr. Quinn knew this and was thankful for her backup plan: a baseball bat and a garbage bag. With the girl now over her shoulder, Morgendorffer brought her to the show’s set.
“Because she is unconscious, we didn’t know if she wanted to look like someone else. But time was running short and we had to make the executive decision. If she’s hideous enough that no one would request to look like her, she shouldn’t be forced to do so either,” said the doctor.
The staff finally settled on the heroine of Wash. U.’s gay population – Kathy Griffin. Chemically straightened hair and displaced eyebrows were only the beginning of Dr. Quinn’s plans for the hapless girl.
“We could transplant her personality, too,” exclaimed Dr. Puffin in an excited rush. “We could program her to say two things: ‘I love Clay Gayken’ and ‘Burqa No.'” At this point the operations commenced, and Puffin had to suppress his glee while holding the knife.
Five hours later, the operation was complete, although when asked what had been done, Dr. Puffin could not remember; “I kept replaying last night’s ‘My Life on the D-List’ in my head. But I think this girl looks a little different now.”
Temporary photos of the two test subjects are available. One is simply Chancellor Wrighton’s picture. The other is Pablo Picasso’s “The Dream.” Neither resembles the students. After seeing their grand failure with the two faces, the surgeons and stylists of “Extreme Makeover” claimed defeat.
“I never thought I’d see the day when there would be too much ugly to handle. Is there hope for any of us now?” said the associate producer.
We just don’t know, Joe. But hell, you tried your best.