Dan DaranciangDear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.
Until recently, Washington University administration trusted all students and staff to make responsible decisions concerning proper clothing and footwear. Unfortunately, the clothing choices of Wash. U. students, faculty and staff are consistently criticized by visitors to the community and members of the community alike. Therefore, starting this fall, administration will implement a new dress code.
While most items apply to the whole community, some are aimed directly at students. The administration hopes that this dress code will improve the school’s image and “perhaps ease tensions within the community that stem from fashion disagreements,” said Mark Whitham, the newly-appointed Chief Administrator of Apparel.
“We tried to let students make their own choices, but have decided it is in the University’s best interests to set in motion new controls,” said Whitham. “We simply can’t have a student body that is fashionably unintelligent.”
A copy of the complete code can be obtained from the main offices of each school on campus. Following is a list of the rules, which, according to Whitham, “address the most embarrassing and unfortunate dressing habits that are prevalent on campus today.”
I. All members of the community are expected to be clothed on a daily basis.
II. All articles of clothing and accessory bearing the name of another higher-education institution are hereby banned from campus. Sweatpants, shirts, etc. that advertise other schools will not be tolerated under any circumstances. Miscreants who do not comply with this rule will be forbidden from all aspects of University social life, including the right to consume food in public spaces, for a period of three months.
III. The sporting of any form of clothing adorned with the North Face logo is prohibited to all members of the Washington University community, faculty notwithstanding. Bearing North Face merchandise, if observed, may result in removal from the premises under charges of conformity and commercial corruption.
IV. All students are required to wear generic white iPod headphones. As the administration recognizes the fashion value of wearing headphones in but one ear, such a style is acceptable per University standards. Rhinestoned, colored or non-Apple brand headphones will not be accepted; all such devices will be confiscated and their owners fined at the discretion of the University.
V. Only 31 percent of the area of a pair of pants may consist of holes. If questionable, the holes-to-fabric ratio of a particular pair of pants will be calculated by a member of the administration. Any person found wearing pants with a lower ratio of holes-to-fabric than allowed will be asked to temporarily patch the holes with recycled paper from Olin Library and will be expected to permanently patch enough holes to fulfill University guidelines within a period of four days.
VI. Any person who chooses to wear boots known as Uggs, or boots/shoes that resemble Uggs (denoted by clownish, rounded toes and fur accents and linings) must adhere to strict guidelines concerning the appropriate use of said footwear.
i. Under no circumstances may Uggs or similar footwear and miniskirts be worn simultaneously. This “look” breaks common-laws of civility and respectability that all members of the community are expected to uphold. Persons not respecting this rule will be asked to surrender any pairs of footwear corresponding to the aforementioned description to Washington University police authorities.
ii. Any person wearing Uggs or similar footwear concurrently with tight, legging-like pants will be asked to remove the footwear and proceed barefoot until he or she can retrieve and don alternate footwear.
VII. Persons choosing to wear collared shirts must be warned that popped collars will not be tolerated by the Washington University administration. Popped collars suggest that the wearer does not respect the significance of money and good-breeding, both of which are suggested by a properly collared shirt. As the University wishes all of its members to appreciate superiority and affluence, any persons seen with their collars popped will be asked to submit an essay about the benefits of elitism.
VIII. Persons are expressly forbidden from wearing any form of boot outside of their pants. All boot-tops are expected to be concealed underneath jeans or another form of long pant. The term “boots” includes but is not limited to: cowboy boots, rain boots, combat boots and the Uggs or similar footwear mentioned in Item V. Failure to comply with this stipulation may result in disciplinary action.
IX. Though the University realizes the comfort and convenience of sweat suits, persons are not encouraged to wear the matching top and bottom of a sweat suit at the same time. Wearing a complete sweat suit implies laziness and a lack of creativity. Owners of Juicy and other designer sweat suits are by no means excused from this rule.
X. It has been found that excessive jewelry makes it hard for one to participate in written activities in the classroom. Therefore, one may not wear any more than up to three rings on the hand with which one does not write and one ring on the hand with which one writes. Any person found lying about a state of right- or left-handedness will lose their privilege to wear rings.
XI. The footwear worn by students must not have heels exceeding a height of one third of an inch. Heeled shoes of a greater height pose a threat to other members of the community as the high-heeled shoe of a student running to class may become dislodged, fly through the air and poke another person in the eye. In respect of their authority, members of the staff and faculty are permitted to wear shoes with heels of up to half an inch.
XII. No clothing or accessory shall be allowed that states the name of the nation’s first president, George Washington. Though the University does indeed revere this magnificent man, modeling of goods that bear his name does naught to lessen the confusion about the University’s proper name.
All members of the community are encouraged to take an active role in promoting the University’s new dress code. If a member spots another in defiance of any of these rules, the member should contact Whitham. He can be reached directly by dialing ICE-ESIN (935-5746) from any campus phone.