Sometimes, it’s hard to imagine. It’s hard to imagine waking up in the morning with a pounding head, sitting up and wondering where the hell you are. It’s hard to imagine being naked and that the person next to you is too-your friend, an acquaintance, a practically total stranger or a significant other. You tap him or her on the shoulder. The person groans and rolls over.
“What just happened?”
“We had sex. Don’t you remember? You seemed to be enjoying yourself.”
“No.”
Faces fall. Minds race. It’s hard to imagine-let alone experience.
Cases of ambiguous consent continue to plague college campuses and Wash. U. is no exception.
The “Sexual Assault and Acquaintance Rape” page of Washington University’s website states several statistics, including one that says the majority of rapes are acquaintance rapes and that 55% of female students were under the influence of drugs or alcohol when they experienced acquaintance rape.
According to Women’s Crisis Counselor and Assistant Vice Chancellor for Students Karen Levin Coburn, many cases also go unreported. Cases of ambiguous consent can be especially painful because no one is sure where to place the blame, or if blame should be placed at all.
It’s not just an issue of forgetting what happened. Sometimes the victim doesn’t say yes, but she doesn’t say no either-she didn’t know what to do.
Or the victim is psychologically but not physically coerced into having sex. Or maybe he was too drunk to refuse and his partner was too drunk to realize that he didn’t want to do it. Is that rape? And even if you can’t define it as “clear” rape, does that matter?
According to the Washington University judicial code, if a person is intoxicated, he or she is not considered able to give consent. Furthermore, the judicial code still considers it to be assault if the one committing the act was intoxicated. Thus a drunk yes is not a yes at all, even if you know the person, even if he or she is your best friend or your significant other.
“A lot of ambiguous [consent] situations happen under [the influence of] alcohol,” said senior Jess Friedman, a facilitator for SARAH, the Sexual Assault & Rape Anonymous Helpline. “Basically, being drunk is not an excuse for doing something wrong.”
It often happens that no one intends to do anything wrong and something wrong happens anyway.
Despite its reputation for enhancing desire and lowering inhibition, alcohol muddles judgment. Someone could therefore say yes when he or she didn’t really want to, just nod and allow things to happen because there is no mental ability to resist, or say yes in the moment and then regret it later. Ambiguous consent is contradictory-sexual activity may have seemed consensual, but in the end someone did not want it to happen.
Because people often aren’t making cogent decisions in ambiguous sexual situations, frequently the result is a lot of guilt and self blame, both for the person who felt taken advantage of and for the person who pushed too hard, perhaps accidentally.
Coburn says she often hears students say, “If only I wasn’t drunk,” and “I should have been more vigilant.”
These thoughts exacerbate feelings of lost control and they are psychologically damaging for both the victim and the perpetrator. When alcohol is involved in ambiguous consent situations, victims lose the control to make sexual choices for themselves and the perpetrators lose control to make ethical decisions.
It is often difficult to press charges in these situations since the details are ambiguous and memory is fuzzy. Also, Coburn noted, most victims don’t want to go through and prosecute the other person.
“Other situations, [for example] where someone put something in their drink-that’s different,” said Coburn. “That’s premeditated.”
It’s more difficult to decide what is best if the victim, for example, was with a friend, but the friend reports asking permission.
Although students who wish can always investigate legal action on campus and through criminal courts, what can be done when it is unclear what happened?
Both Friedman and Coburn suggest talking to crisis services and counselors. SARAH, the Women’s Crisis Counselors and continuous psychological counselors are not there to tell the victims what to do. Rather, they exist to help victims decide what they want to do-to help them find what is the best way for them to address the issue and move on.
The healing process is all about regaining control in whatever way works best for the individual. But, there are a few ways that counselors suggest.
“[Admit] the event is important,” said Coburn.
She emphasized that victims should acknowledge that the sexual situation happened and something went wrong, because otherwise the victim can go on blaming him or herself. Talking with friends and counselors can help one put the events in perspective or can help one figure out what is the best course of action.
Yet, some students do express fears of talking to friends. Coburn has encountered victims who are afraid of saying anything because they consider Wash. U. a small community and they don’t want to alienate themselves from friends who have connections with the person who took advantage of them. According to Coburn, the fear of being the accuser silences a lot of people.
For the friends of victims, it is critical to allow the victims to come to their own decisions and not to blame them. Some students encounter friends who push them to press charges, or ask them, “Well, what did you expect?”
These kinds of statements can push victims into further self-blame and emotional isolation. Coburn said blaming the victim happens far too often. Thus, it is essential to provide nonjudgmental support.
Also, although Wash. U. resources are there for students of any gender or sexuality, often victims of ambiguous consent cases who are male or gay have trouble finding support or believe that people will not understand their issues.
“With male-on-male sexual assault, I think often there is a real sense of humiliation [for the victim], due to masculinity issues and perceptions of what it means to be a man,” said Coburn.
Still, it is important not to repress the issue, so that one can learn to protect oneself and also learn to trust people again.
“It’s important to feel comfortable in sexual situations,” said Friedman.
There are many outlets to express one’s anger about being the victim of an ambiguous consent situation and to take action.
In addition to counseling, Coburn suggests writing about it or, if possible, confronting the perpetrator and discussing one’s feelings.
Students can also join anti-rape and sexual assault organizations on campus-SARAH, One in Four and CORE are a few-to help prevention efforts and also to provide support for other victims.
A final course of action everyone can take is to protect themselves from ambiguous sexual situations, both from becoming a victim and from becoming a perpetrator.
Coburn suggests not getting so drunk that you don’t realize what is happening. Friedman noted that SARAH facilitators encourage seeking consent for anything you do in a sexual interaction.
“ASK, ASK, ASK!” said Friedman.
After all, legitimate consent is very sexy.
Who do you call?
SARAH 935-8080
Women’s Crisis Counselors
Karen Levin Coburn 935-5555 or 935-5040
Lisa Sinden-Gottfried 935-7105
Director of Judicial Programs
Tamara King 935-4174
Student Health Services 935-6666