When I was in high school I had a big group of friends that was mostly girls and a few guys on the side. I had always felt more comfortable around girls. Among the sad sampling of guys at my high school, there was always one that stood out to me, though not for his incredible good looks, his witty charm or his amazing physique.
I had a really hard time adjusting to high school and this guy was in a lot of my classes. He followed me around in orchestra and in biology he entered the conversations I was having with others, whether he was invited or not. I was thankful I didn’t have chemistry with him, because he seemed to think we had enough of that already.
At one point, I spread the word I didn’t like him. I didn’t want him to get the wrong impression – I liked him tremendously as a person, but I didn’t think I was ready for a boyfriend, especially someone who seemed a bit too infatuated with me. Plus, even though he made me feel comfortable and made me laugh, I didn’t have an overwhelming physical attraction to him.
After a while, we mastered the art of being just friends. It seemed he had accepted my rejection easily and was done with his romantic obsession. We walked to classes together, joked around and occasionally hung out on the weekends. We were friends with no strings attached – or so I thought.
Following many weeks of hanging out, people started thinking that this guy and I were “together.” Upperclassmen asked me if we were going out, and my own friends questioned the validity of my intentions. Was I leading him on? The complications and interrogations went on for months. Eventually, I thought that maybe I had feelings for this person after all. I never acted on the feelings, but I almost accepted and validated the constant commentary from my friends and family.
I came away from the experience wondering what exactly makes same-sex friendships different from opposite-sex friendships. Besides the obvious anatomical and biological differences, what changes the nature of male-female friendships? Walking through the halls of my high school with my girlfriends wasn’t remarkable, so why was it so incomprehensible that I’d do the same with a guy? I simply treated my guy friend like a person, not a potential hook-up.
All across the entertainment industry, there are examples of men and women attempting to have platonic relationships. These relationships, however, frequently end with flowers and seduction, which seems to reflect a pattern that’s prevalent in today’s society.
Can women really be “just friends” with men? Based on my limited experience, I would have to answer no. I desperately tried to build a relationship that was free from attraction and chemistry, and ended up the target of rumors and speculation. Harry and Sally shared a common love of movies and fine cuisine and ended up in bed and confused.
I think what separates a friend from a boyfriend, or a girl from a girlfriend, is if you recognize the potential for something more. Friends often do seem to stay just friends, but frequently one of the two people looks at the other and realizes that, deep down, there’s more to their friendship.
When couples talk about their marriage, they stress the importance of their initial friendship. When I talk to my boss about how her and her husband got together, she told me they had been friends for years, and had realized that the quality of the time they spent together was irreplaceable. They valued their friendship, but they also understood each other on a deeper level, and their choice to commit to one another reflected their unique compatibility.
I see girls and guys around campus all the time and it’s relatively easy to tell who is together. I do think it’s possible to enjoy someone’s company while not getting attached. I also believe that while gossip and rumors are often false, they do reflect some version of the truth. When people at my high school saw me with my “strictly platonic” friend, they might have seen our rapport in a way I could not. You can see the chemistry between two individuals, even if one of them is oblivious to it.
Male and females can be friends, but who knows what lies beneath the surface. Men and women choose to ignore, or simply be ignorant, to the potential of a relationship arising from a friendship. Eventually, however, there comes a breaking point in an opposite-sex friendship.
There are no paths set in stone, but there are choices. You can either move the friendship to the next level or keep it platonic. Men and women can’t control their attractions to one another, but they can control what they do about them. This is why men and women’s friendships are all too often scrutinized.
Whether I realized it or not, I was making a choice to “just stay friends.” When I walked down the hallway, I was walking with a choice to ignore my emotions, and concentrate on the nonsexual aspects of my friendship. For that very reason, my friendship with the guy could never be the same as my friendship with any girl. Men and women can be friends, but it is a choice that allows for this type of bonding. Otherwise, the sexual impulses and desires that men and women inherently possess can conquer any semblance of friendship.