NASA Jet Propulsion LaboratoryEDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
INTRAMURALS
Bawden strikes out three times in IM softball game
Junior Tommy Bawden, who spent two seasons in the Red Sox farm system prior to enrolling at Wash. U., struck out three times in an intramural softball game last Tuesday night. Bawden, a Wash. U. football player, went down swinging all three times in the co-ed, slow-pitch battle on the IM field.
“I just wasn’t used to that kind of velocity,” explained the former minor league infielder. “It was too slow.”
After whiffing for a third time, Bawden let his frustration get the best of him. He cursed loudly, reportedly exclaiming: “Curt Schilling is one thing, but this kid’s in TKE.”
Witnesses chuckled thoroughly, as Bawden directed his angst at veteran umpire and football trainer, Jerry That-Christian-Kid-in-AEPi. Bawden was then tossed from the contest by the self-proclaimed “Gentile Giant.”
League Commissioner Sean Curtis had no comment on the subject and many IM insiders, who have asked that their names not be revealed, believe Curtis’ close relationship with Bawden’s fraternity will ensure that no further disciplinary action will be taken against the Phi Delta Theta brother.
FOOTBALL
Guthrie to quit football team, become folk singer
Wash. U. running back Scottie Guthrie announced at a press conference yesterday that he will not be returning to the gridiron next season. Guthrie dropped football so that he could have time to focus on his budding career as an independent folk singer.
“It’s in my blood. I mean it’s in my name for Chrissake,” said the now-former impact player who is a distant relative of Woodie and Arlo. “If those other Guthries can make it, so can I,” added the junior.
Guthrie believes his football experience at Wash. U. will help him in the folk world: “I have a real niche to make it in the industry. I think there’s a lot of demand for a non-peaceful folkie. I want to make hard-hitting folk singing the new big thing.”
Asked if his approach to folk singing might be antithetical to the genre itself, Guthrie responded, “I do what I want. I’m a Guthrie.”
Kindbom drops F-bomb
According to sources inside the program, Wash. U. football coach Larry Kindbom dropped an F-Bomb during last week’s spring football camp workouts. After junior Defensive End Chris Rhoades missed a tackle, the veteran coach allegedly said, “F-kin golden boy; kid’s spend too much of the off-season running his East Coast frat and playing the saxophone, not worrying about football.”
Kindbom, who is known more for his ability to find and distribute borderline inspirational speeches and e-mails than for his profanity, issued a statement apologizing for his behavior.
“I apologize to God, my family, Mark Wrighton, and to everyone who is affiliated with Bears football. My use of the ‘F’ word is an embarrassment to anyone affiliated with this University,” said Kindbom in a prepared statement.
Asked if his use of the word warranted a special press conference, Kindbom replied, “Of course it does. Unlike Charles Barkley, I understand that I’m a role model.”
BASKETBALL
Syvertsen, Blood to get married
In an effort to boost his street cred and earn more playing time, Phil Syvertsen of the men’s basketball team proposed to volleyball freshman Vicki Blood Friday night at Bear’s Den.
The sophomore shooting guard plans to take Blood’s last name in hopes of increasing his rep within the Wash. U. basketball program. Head Coach Mark Edwards has criticized Syvertsen in the past for being “pale and soft.”
Syvertsen explained that his new name, Phil Blood, sounds intimidating and would resonate among his teammates. “I dunno, man. No one can pronounce Syvertsen. With my new last name, they know who’s boss.”
Vicki Blood declined comment. An October wedding in Graham Chapel is planned.
TRACK & FIELD
Cross Country kid also runs track
Wash. U. Cross Country star Kevin Opp is also a star in long-distance Track and Field events.
The rare two-sport sensation has impressively managed careers in long distance running and longer distance running, respectively. The sophomore managed successful campaigns in both sports over the 2006-2007 school year, prompting That-Cliche-Sports-Analyst to profile Opp in That-Lame-Newspaper.
“In this day and age of highly specialized athletics, it’s nice to know that athletes like Opp are still out there playing more than one sport. Not only does this kid run, he also runs,” said the piece.