The former being parents, naturally, and the latter being the students who dutifully drag their parents around from one scintillating St. Louis site to the next. (“Look Ma! This is where I dodged bullets in front of Fitz’s!”)
So, the question is, of course, how well do mommy and daddy fit in with your collegiate world? Sure, your father probably pledged his Animal House-esque frat back in ’72, and even indulged in some marijuana. And mom, the saint she was, kept her chastity in tact ’til her wedding night and attended civil tea parties with her sorority sisters. But, let’s be honest, they’ve aged and the last wild time they had was when January’s Super Bowl party got out of hand and dad’s friend Jim got loaded off of pre-made frozen pi¤a coladas and accidentally pinched Aunt Judy’s ass.
Thus, it isn’t your job to take your parents on a stroll down memory lane. I don’t want to see one St. John’s suit on the row, and not one 40-ish man sporting brown moccasins and aviator sunglasses at an off campus soiree, guzzling booze.
Take Parent’s Weekend for what it is: an excellent excuse to get off campus. First, remove yourself from Center Court and enjoy “finer” dining (“finer,” of course, because this is still St. Louis). And I do not mean Thai Country Caf‚. DO NOT TAKE YOUR PARENTS THERE! They will immediately remove you from school and wonder why they ever spent the money on such a dumb ass.
Take advantage of the finer dining our region has to offer. But buyer beware: One eating experience at Caf‚ Napoli of Clayton led to a very offended Arbiter (and hell hath no fury like an Arbiter scorned). The server actually had the audacity to ask me if I’d like the chair without the arm rests. Was he kidding? Is it not obvious that I have a self-esteem I am desperately trying to keep afloat? You can take your plate of raw meat and shove it, Ramone!
Lest you forget, don’t neglect your closets and pantries, either. Take your parents to the mall, fools. For those of you who aspire to be the Arbiter (don’t hold your breath, by the way), cart them on over to Plaza Frontenac, my home away from home. Visit Saks, Neiman Marcus and a whole host of Talbot’s stores, including but not limited to, Talbot’s Men, Talbot’s Kids, Talbot’s Shoes and Accessories, Talbot’s Hair Ties, Talbot’s Combat Wear and Talbot’s Grills and Bling.
For those of you who prefer the more pedestrian route, make the short trip to the Galleria and reenact your favorite episode of the Style Network’s The Look for Less. However, if you try to pull such an act at Target or Wal-Mart, I will hunt you down and kill you. And the same goes for your mini-fridges, kiddies. Make like the psychotic, trashcan dwelling squirrels and stock up for the winter! Except, of course, when your mother’s judgmental eye is calculating the fat grams of every box you throw in the cart. I’d like to think we’ve all been there, haven’t we?
So what have we learned, class? Forest Park Art Museum (great gift shop!) and leisurely dinner at Remy’s? Yes. Pre-gaming at your place and then off to drink more wherever you can with Mom and Pop? Never.
Ain’t nobody want to do the walk of shame with their momma, I don’t care how close you purport to be. And frankly, I don’t want to see it.
I have calories I am trying to keep in.