Pylons-they sit eerily idle on the sidelines of the goal-line in NFL stadiums across the country. But what is their purpose?
Being the sports fan that I am, I felt compelled to do some unnecessary, frivolous research to discover the truth behind these pylons- just in case I ever make it onto one of those sports freak shows that basic cable airs-the kind with the thirty-somethings who can’t do long division but can tell you how the NFL passer rating is calculated. Being incapable of either, I made it my personal quest to uncover the potentially shocking truth, and I gave myself an ultimatum of 10 minutes to find it before beginning my afternoon nap.
A half hour later, I was no closer than before. That’s when I stopped searching for hot blondes on Kazaa and began searching for “pylons” on Google.
I hit the jackpot. Immediately, I found a Web site pertaining to pylons. According to the Web site, pylons were “majestic structures.” At the top of the enticing pylon links page was the link to “Free Adult Pylon picture gallery-huge steel erections!”
Hundreds of steel erections and one half hour later, I was not any closer than before. Sure, I knew that pylons are tall steel structures that are dangerous to climb on and can electrocute you, but what does that have to do with the NFL? “If only I could ask a real, live NFL player,” I thought to myself. But then I realized that white, short Jewish people have exceedingly little clout in today’s NFL, Jay Fiedler of the Miami Dolphins notwithstanding.
I had gone way over my ultimatum, and it was getting to be that time of day when it’s too late to nap and too early to go to sleep. I had no choice but to plug away. After a twenty minute bathroom break, I realized two things. One, I was out of toilet paper; this brought on a whole new set of problems. Two, well I forgot what two was. Later that day I remembered I had been trying to figure out what those things in the ends zones were. I realized I could go in two directions with this piece. I could either misconstrue it into a learning experience like the hippies who visited my high school taught me, or I could hunker down, bite my lip, and try again-this time with toilet paper.
You can probably tell which one I chose, especially if you are one of those people who skips to the end of an article after reading the title. Personally, I go right for the picture. Maybe I wasn’t meant to find out what a pylon is, or why women tell you they want a nice guy, yet always go for the bad boy. I guess asking why they put those things there is like asking why they added the three point arc in the NBA-though pylons don’t seem to fulfill the purpose of keeping white players in the game. Muddy analogy aside, my best guess is if it’s all the same, players would rather hit something when they score so they don’t feel as though they are missing out.