Alyssa GregoryTo the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.
You know the feeling. You’ve been on campus all day, sitting in one boring class after another, and the only thing you can think about is how horny you are. And this isn’t just any kind of horny… it’s the mother of all horniness. You just can’t wait to get back to your room and take care of business.
But what happens when you get back to your room? You find your roommate sitting comfortably with no intention of leaving the room for the next 36 hours. It is precisely this reason why ResLife needs to add a masturbation schedule to the housing application and roommate agreement contracts.
Unfortunately, ResLife disagrees. In a recent interview, Rob Mild-libido, director of Residential Life, commented , “Students need to grow up. This isn’t high school where you could get away with flogging the donkey every five minutes. You’re in college now.”
We think that this is an extremely narrow-minded, puritanical view of masturbation. Also, ResLife has a public decency issue to explore: when students can’t wack it in their own room, they often turn to another location, such as the common bathroom showers and computer terminals in Olin Library.
In fact, a recent study conducted by the University Committee on Masturbation, which contained one token student to ensure that “student voices were heard,” found an “unacceptably high level of orgasmic secretions in the bathroom showers.” The report further found that students have a “work hard, jack hard” attitude towards college, leading to binge masturbation sessions that can result in serious chafing accidents.
Adding a masturbation schedule to the roommate contracts could help avert this problem. Students agree. One student explained, “I know my roommate does it, but since we never talk about it he does it at weird times. One time I woke up in the middle of the night and looked over… let’s just say he wasn’t sleeping.”
In another interview one student objected to the proposed idea, saying that he doesn’t masturbate. We all laughed and called him a liar. When he finally relented and admitted to pinching the mushroom we laughed even harder and called him a “WANKSTA.”
If ResLife would just acknowledge this most primal need of all its students, then other areas of the university could begin campaigns to make masturbation safer, cleaner, and more efficient. RAs, in addition to supplying condoms for their residents, should also be required to have a box of Kleenex posted outside the door at all times. National statistics show that masturbation with a Kleenex is 98 percent effective in protecting against unwanted mess, but only if used properly.
Additionally, the university could provide masturbatory “aids” to reduce the time required for masturbation, thus lessening the inconvenience on the poor roommate. They already provide us with free condoms and alcohol, why not porn as well?
Thankfully, Student Union-your elected student government-agrees with us. We would like to also note that this is the first time ever, in the history of the school, that Student Libel has agreed with SU on anything. It goes against our moral fiber, but we decided to put aside our differences in this case and focus on the well-being of students.
In a recent meeting of the Senate, a resolution was passed urging ResLife to add masturbation schedules to the roommate contract. The resolution read, “Add masturbation schedules or else we’ll run to Student Libel and give them yet another thing to complain about.”