This has been a pretty fun week, being the last week of classes and all. Despite the fact that I went out every night of the week, I’ve still made it to all my classes and managed to learn a few things in the process. I’ve decided to impart my wisdom upon you.
On Monday I learned that the best way to impress your professors in ArtSci is to wear a suit to your presentations. I took business Spanish this semester with one of my friends and our final presentation was on Monday. We both dressed up in suits and ties, something that we’ve gotten quite used to over here in the preschool, and the effect was quite dramatic. Even outside of class the effect was noticeable. I received compliments from all sorts of random people and I had more than my fair share of girls longingly gazing in my direction. Some of the looks probably had to do with the fact that very few people have ever seen someone with a red faux-hawk wear a Donna Karen suit as well as I do. Either way, wearing a suit convinces people that you are a lot more professional than you actually are. This point was well illustrated the following morning.
I had changed my shirt and tie to a more casual black dress shirt and no-tie look for $4 Martinis at Drunken Fish. It was there that I learned that you can make a great martini with sake and that a faux-hawk in a night club is an immediate invitation for conversation. I eventually passed out on Hiram’s couch, after hanging up my suit, of course, and woke up Tuesday morning with just enough time to get re-dressed and go to class. While sitting in the back of accounting class a friend of mine complimented me on how nice I looked. I was still kinda messed up after a night of pounding martinis so my response was “I know.” Lesson number four: never say that to a girl. If I hadn’t been sitting down I’m sure she would have kicked me in the junk.
Later on that evening I watched “Blade: Trinity” with some friends and managed to learn some great things from that movie. Most importantly, I learned that, to vampires, fat people taste like Cheetos. After going to Wal-Mart Wednesday afternoon I soon learned why. Approximately 99.9% of Wal-Wart shelf space is devoted to other worldly engineered foods that contain not a damn thing that people should consume on a regular basis, yet the fat people in the store were stocking up like the stuff was going out of style. Listen people, even if the tapioca pudding is marked “6 grams total carbs low fat no sugar added,” it’s still not okay to eat them by the dozen. Slow down and have an apple or something.
During lunch on Wednesday afternoon I learned that all the girls on campus really just want to go on dates with guys. I was talking with Slav’s girlfriend and her friends who, by the way, are totally sweet and super awesome, and we got on the subject of serious relationships in college. I told them that throughout my four years in college the longest relationship I had was the one morning I decided to actually walk a girl back to her dorm on the 40. I then told them that, while sleeping with random smelly pirate hookers was okay, I really missed going on dates with girls and doing things other than getting drunk and hooking up. The collective sigh that they emitted was only matched by the sigh that girls make when they see famous babies dressed up like flowers. They then proceeded to tell me that I’m the nicest guy ever and that it really made their day to hear me say that.
I personally don’t think that any girls on campus want to go on dates, or maybe it’s just that no girls want to go on dates with me, but either way if any cute girls out there want to go on a date with me before school is out just send me an e-mail. Anyway, I’m getting ready to head out to $1 beer/$1 sake at Modai (it’s Wednesday), so I’m gonna stop right here. Enjoy WILD and if you run into me keep in mind that I’ve probably checked out for the night and that it’s really Mr. Hyde that you’re witnessing.