Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
Wednesday, March 26
Noon a.m. DISTURBANCE-A WRINKLIN’ TIME CENTER-Student observed trying to change the time on the Clocktower. When approached, student became defensive and explained he was setting the time seven minutes late, so students would actually get to class on the hour. Disposition: cleared by arrest.
4:55 p.m. LARCENY-ATHLETIC COMPLEX-Bear suit missing, suspect apprehended on Bushyhead Track. Disposition: referred to a Furry meeting.
Thursday, February 29
2:22 a.m. INFORMATION ONLY REPORT-MYERS HOUSE-BME student arrested for trespassing at party in Myers dorm. When confronted, officer informed student he should be “studying for something.” Subsequent blood tests revealed elevated levels of optimism and happiness. Disposition: Student admitted to Olin Library.
Friday, March 28
3:46 p.m. GRAND THEFT SCOOTER-OUTSIDE OF HURD HOUSE-Student on pink scooter and DUPD Segway collided in slow-speed joy ride. Disposition: both parties referred to JA.
7:11 p.m. DRUG DISTRIBUTION-BEAUMONT HOUSE-Two students arrested for drug possession and distribution after entire building’s occupants were seen cavorting on the swamp in penguin outfits. Methamphetamine lab discovered next to root beer keg in Beaumont 118. Disposition: Pending.
Saturday, March 29
11:30 a.m. MEDICAL ASSIST-MAIN CAMPUS-Prospective student had seizure upon seeing a brown patch of grass. EST arrived, student announced he would not attend Wash. U. Disposition-cleared by paying the groundskeepers even less.
9:00 p.m. INDECENT EXPOSURE-WHISPERS CAFE, OLIN LIBRARY BATHROOMS, BEAR’S DEN, VILLAGE COMMONS, SOUTH 40 DORMS, NORTH SIDE DORMS, LOPATA HALL-Hundreds of posters displaying scantily clad students discovered across campus. Strategically placed signs did not hide fact that many of the students had no clothing on. Disposition: Love Your Body student group currently held under $700 bail.
Saturday, March 29
11:56 a.m. LARCENY-WHISPERS CAFE-Dell laptop left student unattended on desk. Student found missing upon return two hours later. Disposition: Under investigation.