Johnny TremainEDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
In an unprecedented business take over, Bon App‚tit has been replaced by “Ye Olde Trading Company.” This British-based entity has moved to increase food diversity on campus by phasing out all foods perceived as “American” and replacing them with their British counterparts.
“Her Majesty’s Kingdom gave birth to this country of ‘America’ and it’s time American students appreciated their roots,” said Reginald Cornwallis Peeperkins III, Earl of Worcestershire.
Peeperkins III, Earl of Worcestershire will be replacing Kathy Carmody as head of food services on campus.
American food stations will be phased out in food courts such as Bear’s Den, Mallinckrodt and Center Court. The station first targeted for elimination is the Fryer in Bear’s Den. Home to American favorites such as chicken tenders and Freedom fries, Peeperkins III views the removal of this food station as “a step in the right direction.”
British breakfast favorites will include soft boiled eggs (you didn’t think anyone could screw up a hard boiled egg, but the British can) and porridge. Other food favorites include toad in the hole and shepherd’s pie. Blood sausage and mutton will also appear on menus all around campus. Furthermore, French fries will be eliminated in favor of chips.
University officials are already at work installing a Scottish food station.
“It’s getting to the point where I have a harder time finding a plain hamburger on campus,” said concerned student, Chris Een. “Although, I’m getting used to the idea of the haggis at the Scotsman’s Carvery.”
Kaldi’s coffee in Whisper’s, Ursa’s and the Hilltop Bakery will be replaced by tea and scones and crumpets will predominate muffins. Peeperkins III urges students to embrace tea in place of coffee, since tea has antioxidants and health benefits.
The crepe station is also targeted for immediate removal since Peeperkins III views crepes as “dangerous to the young, impressionable minds and stomachs of America.”
Meal plans will be adjusted accordingly. The point system will be replaced by pounds. Off campus students can register for the smallest meal plan, the Tea-Time plan. Those previously accustomed to the larger point allotments of the Bountiful plan will now sign up for the Union Jack.
“I’ve already added pounds,” said off-campus resident Eatin Lottz.
Other minor adjustments include replacing all ketchup with malt vinegar, offering marmalade and having a pudding station with plum, bread and blood puddings instead of “fro-yo.” Mallinckrodt will be adding a new station, the East India Trading station, which will offer spices and other Indian cuisine favorites.
The new company will be replacing Subway with a pub, where Happy Hour will now take place.
“This harkens back to the days of the Ratskellar,” said Peepkins III. “A bit of ale never did anyone any harm. We look forward to a warm reception from the student body.”
B&D security will be promptly replaced by bobbies and Her Majesty’s guards. With their inability to show emotion, the University expects these new guards to efficiently remove boisterous drunk students from the fryer line on weekends.
Director of Student Health Services Alan Glass does advise, however, that students be wary of beef products offered under the new food administration as they may be tainted with mad cow disease.