Rico SuaveEditor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
Danforth University men’s basketball leading scorer Troy Ruths suffered a major setback off the court this past weekend. The senior and co-captain saw his GPA dip below 4.0 after receiving an A- in his advanced computer science class.
Despite playing in the Division III NCAA tournament, Ruths, the two-time ESPN Academic All-American of the Year, considered sitting out of the team’s final games due to his inability to focus on the court and occasional shaking of his entire body.
“I just felt distracted every time I hit the hardwood,” he said.
Although he initially appeared calm, Ruths was later seen in the locker room curled in the fetal position and sobbing.
“What am I going to do now? This grade will affect my business’ success. Now I won’t be able to take my company public and become CEO. Nobody will respect me.”
After injecting Ruths with a sedative and waiting for him to awaken, Head Coach Mark Edwards was able to talk some sense into his leading scorer.
“I told him that one grade can’t ruin one’s academic career, but more importantly, I reminded him that we needed to focus on post-season play. Maybe he won’t become CEO of a major corporation, but he’ll find a way to get by. Hey, when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade,” said Edwards.
The plight of Ruths has drawn the attention of one almost perfect ballplayer-Mike Mussina of the New York Yankees.
Mussina had a perfect game ruined by the last hitter in the bottom of the ninth and has won 19 games multiple times but never 20 in a season. “Even an almost perfect guy can make millions,” said Mussina.