EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
Washington University claims to promote an environment of open intellectual inquiry and to value the diverse interests of Washington University undergraduates. With the education of students as the primary concern, we expect our professors to keep abreast of the latest theories and advancements in their disciplines. Yet on this very campus we have found an abhorrent stifling of academic progress right beneath our very eyes: Professor Richard Smith’s “Introduction to Human Evolution” course in the anthropology department. In order to enhance the quality of education at Washington University, we implore Professor Smith to begin teaching the theory of strict Creationism.
Professor Smith’s class is notoriously under-enrolled and unpopular with students. You can hear crickets chirping when Smith takes the stage in Brown 100. Students only begrudgingly enroll in the course when shut out from other, more desirable choices and leave the course completely uninformed by the semester’s worth of information regarding the so-called “evolution” of humans. He uses big words – australopithecine, Homo habilis, Paranthropus robustus – and fancy dental ratios (Does anyone really understand what 2:1:2:3 means?), but we are not fooled. We see behind the increasing cranial capacities and reduction of the post-orbital ridge. We are sick of this mumbo jumbo that is, as Professor Smith admits, only a theory. Given the course’s lagging enrollment, it seems that we are not the only ones dissatisfied with “Introduction to Human Evolution.”
We believe that Smith’s course could be enhanced by exploring the more respected theory of Creationism. Rather than sticking to the antiquated notion that humans evolved from lesser organisms, University professors ought to move towards the future by endorsing the more scientifically-sound view that the universe, humanity, life on earth and this very campus were created by a supernatural deity (this may or may not be the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but that’s a whole other staff editorial). The theory of Creationism enjoys strong support from the scientists around the world, and it’s time that support arrived at Washington University.
The American education system has taught us that we must accept that which is written, and we must not question any source as legitimate as that of the Bible, which teaches Creationism and the story of Adam and Eve. After hundreds of years of Christendom being the dominant source of knowledge, who are we to teach anything but the established truth?