KellyEDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
There’s too much sex on this campus. I walk to dormitory halls, I go into Student Health Services for a flu shot and I stroll through Mallinckrodt during tabling times and all I see are condoms, condoms, condoms. I don’t need some “friendly” Wash. U. student handing me a condom and telling me to have safe sex. I don’t want to go to the library only to be confronted by disgusting pictures of sexually transmitted diseases. No thank you.
With the members of the University so crazed about STD’s, I urge the campus to adopt a policy of strict abstinence. HPV, UTI’s, STI’s and all of those nasty letters can be eliminated if we would just keep our pants on.
Passing out condoms at every possible campus location only encourages students to procreate. Who needs condoms when you can have a chastity belt? As part of the new abstinence-only education plan, the University can offer chastity belts and purity rings instead.
I don’t want my tuition and health fees going to fund other people’s sex addictions. My parents don’t pay $44,000 to further my education only to have some of it going to the purchasing of condoms. Condoms don’t grow on trees, you know. The University must be putting out so much just to stock dorm floors, student groups and SHS with these latex tools of promiscuity.
An abstinence-only policy would be easy to enact. First off, stop offering condoms all over the place. Save some rubber trees, for crying out loud! Some poor exploited minority population somewhere in the world is probably being forced to slave away creating condoms just so some couple can get off. Choose conflict free, choose abstinence.
Furthermore, the University can develop anonymous hotlines. If you know of someone having sex (it’s not hard with thin walls and sexiled roommates to figure who’s getting it on) call it in and the Sexual Maintenance Squad (S and M’s) can put a stop to it.
So to you, my fellow class mates and my University, I urge you to abstain. Clean up this campus, clean up your life and help end child labor in third world condom producing countries – choose abstinence.
Chastity is a junior in the Business School (BS) and is currently aiming for her MRS degree. She is President of the Organization of Arts and Sciences Majors (Org.AS.M.) and she can be reached at [email protected].