Let’s take a poll: What is the more worthless use of large, steroid-laden men pretending to kill one another, WWE wrestling or the Pro Bowl? You can make a strong case for either one, but what sets the two apart is that professional wrestling, instead of trying to fool people into take it seriously, actually admits how fake it is.
The Pro Bowl is essentially the NFL’s way of giving out bonus checks to the group of genetic mutants that we like to label the league’s best players. After a free trip to Hawaii, a full week of mini-golf and martinis and extra money due to Pro Bowl contract clauses, NFL players would give their left guard to be included in their conference’s line-up. But behind all the hype, one thing stands firm: people would rather watch the LPGA tour than what everyone considers to be the Super Bowl’s ugly stepchild.
This starts from the overall reluctance that results from a grueling 16-game season plus playoffs. After spending every Sunday in a game situation more aggressive and brutal than your average Slipknot concert, every Monday and Tuesday in a Minority Report-style metal ice bin and the rest of the week getting yelled at about their mistakes from the last game, NFL players are understandably disinclined to play just one more game.
What results is a game about as uninspired as a hangover-plagued game of fraternity intramural flag football. With players such as Bengals receiver Chad Johnson not wanting to chip their golden teeth and Buccaneers lineman Warren Sapp trying his hardest not to bruise his precious potbelly and/or ego, fans feel fortunate to see a big hit or a tough run up the middle.
Adding to the insipid atmosphere surrounding the Pro Bowl are the “injured” players that will collect their contract’s bonus checks and skip the trip to Hawaii. Apparently 49ers wide out Terrell Owens is hurt, but something tells me he has an orthodontist appointment to finally get his braces off. As for Vikings receiver Randy Moss, I can see his letter to the NFL now:
Dear Commissioner Tagliabue,
I accidentally sprained my finger yesterday while I was rolling a blunt. Please tell Daunte I said high… I mean hi!
Holler,
Randy Moss
With a poorly-played game forecasted, the Pro Bowl already has enough problems… which is why I question the NFL’s decision to fly in thousands of high school cheerleaders for the half-time show. Considering all of the legal problems professional athletes have been having recently with high school-aged girls and all of the Levitra commercials hitting the airwaves, the league should consider ordering 80 extra-large male chastity belts… and four mediums for the kickers.
So if you decide to watch the Pro Bowl after all of my defamation, more power to you. But if you ask me, if I want to watch an over-hyped group of people lackadaisically trot around in a tropical location, I’ll watch The Inferno: Real World/Road Rules Challenge. With that said, I wish you luck and your endeavor and assure you that I’ll have a much more entertaining time watching WWE Sunday Night Heat.