Web MasterI’m told that I can’t write about baseball’s Opening Day today. Whether this is a function of the presence of other baseball material already slated for today’s page, or just the new sports editors toying with me, is yet to be determined. As someone who has been salivating at the mere thought of televised baseball for the last four months, I consider this the ultimate tease.
But I’m still sticking to my original plan to spend all my non-class hours in the warm glow of the ESPN doubleheader today, although this makes producing 800 words of in-depth research rather difficult. So I’ll just blur the line between sports and superficial entertainment even more by dipping into what Norm Macdonald would call the fake mailbox. That’s right, I don’t even get a real mailbox. Weep for me.
Dear Taylor,
So how did you end up doing in your NCAA Tournament pool?
– Casey in Lien
Already you can tell this is a fake mailbox. One thing I’ve learned is that nobody EVER wants to hear about your NCAA tournament pool. You might as well ramble on about your golf game, or some trade you proposed in one of your fantasy leagues last week. Sportswriters who refer to their own bracket failures in the lead should be taken out and shot. Does that answer your question, Casey?
I would so kick your ass in NHL ’94 for the Sega Genesis. Bring it on, ya dumb hick.
– Several people
This one actually isn’t fake. In fact, it’s the most common feedback I’ve had on anything I’ve written all year. Write about Sega Genesis once and you’re marked forever.
I might as well abuse my privilege of this space to advertise some sort of grand score-settling NHL ’94 tournament. Email me at the address at the bottom of this piece and I’ll try to set something up. Being a second-semester senior I’m pretty busy these days, but I could make time for something like this, something that really matters. I got dibs on Winnipeg, and I also hereby decree that nobody gets to be Chicago. I would establish some sort of pool for the winner, but I’d feel guilty taking people’s money because they didn’t know any better.
Reader beware, though: this is the same person who, over the course of four years, has promised you a pickup baseball league, the formation of the Joe McEwing Fan Club, the Cadenza Survey Spectacular and the organization of an all-University Drive block party, with a keg in every apartment. In other words, no promises on the follow-through.
Where do you get your column ideas?
– Jenny in Danforth
The short answer is that I don’t get column ideas, which is why I’m fabricating a mailbox full of questions and then answering them. And there is no long answer.
Who are your favorite sports announcers?
– Michelle in Texas
I don’t know about other apartments in the area, but ESPN2 has some sort of ongoing technical difficulty on our TV, making a weird feedback-type noise that muffles everything else. My best shot at describing the noise involves a comparison to the alien in Independence Day when it telepathically talks to Bill Pullman while trashing the operating room and strangling a scientist. The unknown source of that noise currently ranks as my second favorite commentator after Jon Miller.
Why don’t you get out there in the real world and write about something besides sports?
– Fernando on Wash Ave.
I’d love to, Fernando, but first I’d have to learn a little more about this “real world” you speak of. What is it exactly? And do they have buffalo wings like we do?
So what are your plans for after graduation?
– Every Damn Person in the World
Yes, yes, this is certainly the question of the year for.um, everyone that plans on graduating May 10. And I’m saddened to report that ignoring it isn’t making it go away. Perhaps I should try harder to ignore it.
Why am I still employed?
– Bud in Milwaukee
Toughest question I’ve had to handle so far, Bud. All I can say is that many people in this world are serial truth-hedgers, extortionists and cheats.but they manage to stay on top solely through a combination of suave looks and charming smile. Thank the gods, Bud, that you’ve got it.
Is Taylor Upchurch your real name or is it some sort of pen name?
– Pedro in Toronto
Good question, Pedro. You wouldn’t expect a contributor to a college newspaper to need a pen name, but what can I say, I offend lots and lots of people. Plus the originally bestowed moniker Nelson Rockefeller IV just wasn’t getting me anywhere. I needed a name with catchiness and star quality, and fortunately Taylor Upchurch hasn’t let me down yet.
And some people call me Maurice.
contact Taylor at taylor.upchurch@studlife.com