To the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.
At a recent drinking competition between the Double-Fisters and the Shotgunners, athletes show off their technique and stamina. It was a close match until the final stages, but when Homer Schloshmolski began to wobble and lose depth perception things went downhill quickly. It was a thrilling affair which held spectators until techno music was turned on in the next room. By the end of the evening no one could even remember who had actually won, but agreed that all participants kicked ass. Next up is the National Asshole Invitational to be held Friday night in Eliot Dorm.