Penelope PussyfootEDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
Paleontology professor Harvey Whitehead announced yesterday that he has discovered animal fossils that he believes came from Noah’s Ark. He found a valley in the Turkish mountains that contained remains of every documented animal species, plus one extinct species. Whitehead believes the extinct animals may have been homosexual unicorns.
“They were all within three miles of each other, and almost every fossil was paired, one male, one female,” said Whitehead. “The last pair was a little different.”
Whitehead and his team were quick to identify and match all but one of the pairs with existing animal species. Every pair was one male and one female, except for one pair, consisting of two males, from a now extinct species.
“It’s a couple of gay unicorns,” explained Whitehead. “That’s why unicorns are now extinct. Noah screwed up, grabbed some ‘fabulous’ unicorns and all the straight ones suffered God’s wrath in the Flood.”
Conservative family values groups have seized on Whitehead’s research as scientific evidence that gay marriage is unnatural. Women and Children First founder Seymour Dumbler says that this is definitive proof of the danger gay marriage poses to human existence.
“We’re just lucky Noah was a straight, red-blooded American,” commented Dumbler. “If he had made different lifestyle choices, we might not be here today.”
Women and Children First is planning a rally on the steps of the Capitol in Washington on Friday.
“We’re going to bring God and Nature back to America. From this day forward, the unicorn will be a cautionary tale of God’s punishment for man-on-man love.”
Whitehead, while claiming neutrality on the politics of gay marriage, simply reinforced that his research is sound.
“Look, you can’t question the science. Homosexuality drove the unicorn species extinct. The lesson we can learn from this is not to let our little boys play with unicorns. Unicorns are gay.”