Mr. HankeyEDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
Washington University Libraries will institute Restroom fees beginning this May. The libraries expect the new pay-per-poop policy to reduce the enormous volume of sewage produced by the University library community. During the fall semester, the University spent over $2 million on dumping 137,000 metric tons of library sewage into the Missouri River. The new policy is expected to take a bite out of this problem.
Previously, Olin Library had posted signs in the restrooms encouraging students to dispose of bodily waste in moderation. The signs were almost totally ignored. “Wash. U. students poop like no one else in the country,” said Birley Shaker, dean of campus plumbing. “The amount grows every year. We would like to be able to provide everybody free usage of the restrooms, but when you look at the numbers, it’s just not sustainable.”
Shaker stated that profit was not a motive. “It’s true we’ll be taking in an extra $7 million dollars in net revenue under the new initiative, but the pricing system is completely rational and fair: 35 cents for a urinal flush and 50 cents for a sit down toilet. That way, the people who poop or piss the most pay the most.” She added, “plus, we need that money. Whispers doesn’t exactly pay for itself.”
For the past five years, restroom usage has almost quadrupled. Shaker attributed the steep rise to what she calls “professor quirk drinking games.” “It seems the new rage is to attend classes taught by eccentric professors and take a shot every time they exhibit some strange behavior. It’s all fun and games until that liquid reaches your colon. Then it’s my problem.” Shaker said.
Campus environmental groups have hailed the new policy. “One of the goals of Green Action is to get students to think about their impact on the environment each and every day. Now that students have to fork over some cash every time they flush, maybe they’ll remember what their fecal matter is doing to the local beaver population,” said Todd Thompson, president of Green Action.
Not everyone was thrilled about this action, however. “It’s ridiculous!” said David Stein, a junior majoring in physical education. “First they take away free printing and now this. The only thing they’ve done is guaranteed that I’m going to poop twice as much in Eads. Also, I understand Chancellor Wrighton’s house still has free restroom use. He can expect to see me twice a day every day.”
Already the library has documented an increase in restroom usage by students preparing for the coming payment policy.