Everyone knows it is a good idea to talk to someone about sex before having sex with that person. You need to make sure you are on the same page about what you both want to get out of it and about whether you see it as a casual act or an act of commitment. But before having this discussion, there are several things you need to think about on your own.
Since the right time to have sex with someone hinges a lot on each person’s own sexual attitudes and experiences, you need to make sure that you know yours well before trying to make a decision that involves somebody else.
First, consider the emotions that sex has brought up within you in the past. Has it made you feel more connected to the person that you slept with, or has it felt like one more fun thing to do without any real emotional effect? If sex does intensify your emotional connection with a person, then you need to assess whether you are confident that your partner is ready to deal with your strengthened feelings, and also whether he is planning to stay in the relationship for the foreseeable future. If your gut instinct tells you that you may become emotionally attached, you are probably not ready to have non-committed sex with him. This is less of a concern if sex does not appreciably intensify your feelings for someone else, but you need to remember to touch upon that issue with your partner, and make sure that you will not be awakening deep emotions that you are not ready, willing or able to deal with.
If you have never had sex before, it would serve you best to approach sex as if it would strengthen your emotional connection to your partner. There is absolutely no way to tell whether sex is emotional or purely physical for you until you try it. Making sure you are in an emotionally close and supportive relationship the first time you have sex will give you the chance to figure out your reaction in the safest possible environment and avoid the risk of feeling emotionally attached to someone who was only seeking pure physical pleasure.
Another consideration to make involves your beliefs about sexual activity. Whether the beliefs stem from religion, morals, ethics or any other source important to you, beliefs often have a strong role in shaping sexual attitudes. Ask yourself what your beliefs about sexual activity are and ask yourself why your beliefs are the way they are. If your beliefs include a complete ban on sexual activity in your situation (for example, you are considering having sex with your girlfriend or boyfriend, yet you have beliefs that prohibit non-marital sex), ask yourself why you believe that sex is incorrect in your situation. Ask yourself if that reasoning makes sense to you. Ask yourself why you are thinking about sexual activity now, even though your beliefs advise otherwise.
Maybe you will realize that you are thinking about sex merely because your hormones are running wild. Or is it possible that your true beliefs about sex are different from what you thought they were or what you grew up with? There is no right or wrong response to these questions as long as you reach your answer through honest thought and self-evaluation.
Another inquiry to make before deciding to have sex is whether you are able to maturely face the potential consequences. Think about whether you feel comfortable talking to your potential sex partner about her sexual history. Think about whether you feel comfortable going to a doctor and getting tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Think about whether you feel comfortable getting birth control or condoms and using them to protect yourself. If you are not comfortable doing all of these things, then it is probably best to wait to consider sex until you are comfortable. If you are planning on engaging in sex acts that could result in pregnancy, think about what you would do if you got pregnant or made your partner pregnant. Thoughtfully considering potential problems and coming to reasoned opinions beforehand will be far easier and more pleasant than answering them in haste when you are caught in the heat of the moment, or if you later find yourself staring pregnancy or disease in the face.
It almost seems strange to think so extensively on your own about sex, a thing that is often fun, spontaneous and shared with someone else. Yet, it is very important to do so. Your reactions to sex will be different from anyone else’s reactions. Whether you are considering sex in a committed situation or a casual one, you’ll be a lot happier if you sort out your own feelings about sex before you have to take anyone else’s opinions into account. It will save you some stress and also may save you from getting talked into an uncomfortable situation.