Margaret BauerTo be honest, I’ve never been fond of politics. Parties, however, are a completely different story. (And let’s be clear that I’m talking about parties in the soir‚e/fˆte sense, not about the pesky demarcation between Republicans, Democrats, et al.) And yet, I cannot help but wonder in a twisted Martha-Stewart-lying-awake at-night-in-her-cell, dreaming-up-new-ways-to flavor-gruel kind of way if the convergence of the two might not have interesting results. Thus it follows that there is no better day to throw a governmentally-themed gathering than Nov. 2, when we’ll all need to come together to bask in the warm glow of our television screens to find out the results of the presidential race, anyway. But voter beware, don’t allow the excitement of your day render you without a full plan of how to celebrate should your candidate win (or lose). Allow your friendly neighborhood Arbiter, then, to help you design that special evening, when America unites as it divides and once again blends in a harmonious amalgam of patriotic pride (how poetic!).
Getting Crunked with Kerry
Entertainment:
Forgo all those mopey Vote for Change folks, and even resist the urge to have staunch supporter Babs Streisand appear. What you really need is newly political grand songstress Esther/Madonna performing her greatest hits: “Like a Voter” (“Cast for the very first time…”), “American Life” (Electoral Remix) and a reworked version of “Vogue,” simply titled “Vote,” where the name-dropping (“Greta Garbo and Monroe…”) is replaced with an ode to great Dems of the past. Free red strings for all!
Party Game:
“Who Will Teresa Offend Next?” followed by a rousing mud wrestling match between Elizabeth Edwards and Hilary Clinton, just because.
D‚cor:
Tasteful, but fabulous, the room will pay homage to all of Kerry’s new celebrity friends. It will take its cues from beautiful people hotspots from the Ivy, White Lotus and Nobu. There will be a fa‡ade of the Hollywood sign that reads, “Kerrywood.” Everyone will be treated to Botox as they walk in, turning back the hands of time as they celebrate a bright future. With such attendees as Ashton and Demi, the Dixie Chicks and Ben Affleck, no will notice that Monica Lewinsky has slipped in to have a fine cigar with Kerry outside, and peddle her handbags all at the same time.
Food:
If you can get to the buffet before Michael Moore, you’ll dine on such delicacies as hot dogs, hamburgers and freedom, eh screw it, french fries-all of which can be complemented by Heinz tomato ketchup. Bill Clinton, though, will be served a specially prepared meal of a six oz. piece of broiled, un-marinated chicken and grilled veggies. It takes lot to keep up that new skeletal physique he’s going for, after all.
Getting Down with Dubya
Entertainment:
Liquor up Arnold Schwarzenegger and break out the karaoke machine! Have Ah-nold sing all the classics: Abba’s “Dancing Queen,” the Village People’s “Y.M.C.A.” and if you’re lucky, Britney’s …Baby One more Time. As a special treat, President Bush himself might give a stand up routine, or would that just be his normal acceptance speech. Who can tell?
Party Game:
Hide-and-go-seek with a locked box full of Florida ballots, thoughtfully provided by Jeb Bush.
D‚cor:
Even if it’s obvious, the quaintness of a down-home Texas rootin,’ tootin’ rodeo of politicos can’t be beat. In the center of the room will be a mechanical bull, which Laura will ride should George W. win. Guests will be seated at tables accented with prairie grass and red, white and blue roses fashioned in the shape of cowboy hats. They won’t have to lasso up the help, because each person will have a personal server. If it sounds pricey, it is. But that’s no concern, because Daddy Bush’s Near Eastern friends have offered to foot the bill. Yee haw!
Food:
The Bush twins selflessly man the open bar, and they also agree to hide the life-threatening pretzels from their father. The menu, of course, must be health-conscious because Cheney is trying to make it through another term. To reflect the rodeo theme, the menu will inadvertently feature BBQ delights, suspiciously like the Kerry affair. Only this time, condiments will not include ketchup of any kind. It’s honey mustard and Miracle Whip for you, Condi!