Bernell Dorrough/Student LibelTo the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.
Daniel Peterson has had a rough time at Washington University since he arrived in the fall of 1999. An amateur bodybuilder, Peterson has a physique that drives most women crazy. Unfortunately for him, most WU ladies have never realized what they are missing because WebSTAC includes only a picture of Peterson’s face.
But Peterson’s luck might change in coming weeks. Network Technology Services has recently upgraded WebSTAC’s “Faces” software, and students now have the option of uploading pictures of their bodies.
“When I heard about ‘Bodies,’ I jumped at the chance to take advantage of it,” said Peterson, a Student Libel sports editor. “Now, when people look me up, they see the whole package-and I do mean the whole package, if you know what I mean.”
Dan Morewell, the assistant vice chancellor for network technology, explained that one of NTS’ main reasons for the upgrade was to help students who had substantially better bodies than faces.
“I wanted to help out all the ‘butter’ girls out there,” said Morewell. “You know what I mean. Sometimes you’ll see a woman, and you like every part of her body ‘but her’ face. I just felt so bad for them.”
The upgrade will also allow students to search for classmates based on their body attributes. In addition to traditional searches by name, home state, and class, visitors to “Bodies” will also be able to search by height, weight, hair color, and measurements.
“With ‘Faces,’ you could only find people if you knew their name,” said Morewell. “With ‘Bodies,’ you can find people based on their body. Want to know the name of the cute redhead in your class? Not a problem.”
Many male students on campus were particularly excited about this latter feature.
“This is freaking incredible, man,” said junior Dick Cresta. “There is this really hot girl in my anthropology class who I’ve been trying to face for weeks. All I know is that she’s a freshman with better endowments than the university. I’ve spent hours on WebSTAC trying to look her up. Now, I just have to type in ‘blond’ and ‘busty,’ and there she is.”