Alyssa GregoryTo the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.
President George W. Bush announced Monday that the United States will be pulling all of its troops out of Iraq over the next 48 hours. U.S. military forces have surrendered and are relinquishing total control of the Middle Eastern country back to Saddam Hussein.
Bush declared that this surprise change in strategy resulted from the emphatic pleas made in this semester’s issue of Washington University’s liberal newspaper, the Southpaw.
“When the French said they did not approve of our actions, I ignored them. When the United Nations refused to offer support, I knew we had to continue without them,” said Bush in an address yesterday. “But when Lucy Biederman of the Washington University Southpaw publicly opposed the war, I knew we had gone too far.”
Secretary of State Colin Powell echoed support for the United States’ drastic change in policy.
“It was a difficult situation,” said Powell. “On one hand, Saddam is a ‘WANKSTA,’ as one Wash University student so eloquently pointed out in a recent statement on the wall around Olin Library. On the other hand, ‘fighting for peace is like f–ing for virginity.'”
Powell said that the U.S. would take the advice of Biederman and other anti-war students at WU. He says America is now planning to convince Iraq to disarm using entirely diplomatic means.
“Sure, Saddam was making chemical weapons. Sure, he has mercilessly killed his own people. There’s no question that he is a madman, but did we ever just politely ask him to stop? No, we didn’t,” said Powell.
Word that Bush had pulled American troops out of Iraq spread quickly across the Washington University campus. Students and faculty alike were excited to hear that Southpaw editors had been successful in convincing President Bush he had been wrong.
“Take that, Washington Witness,” said Daffodil Drohobo-hocyzlichyczer, public relations director for the Southpaw. “You thought we were just wasting our time. You thought no one read the Southpaw. Well, President Bush does, so suck it.”
President Bush reaffirmed his appreciation for Washington University’s liberal student newspaper when he later added, “By the way, have you guys heard the new Ani DiFranco album? Seriously, Lucy was right. It’s amazing.”
Editors of the Southpaw were so pleased with the success of this month’s issue that they are now considering releasing a special edition of the publication sometime in June or July to protest further social injustices. They are also considering increasing the circulation of their publication from 75 issues to 125.
“I was so mad when I didn’t get into an English class I wanted to take last semester. Even repeated calls to Chancellor Wrighton from my mommy couldn’t get me into it,” said Drohobohocy-zlichyczer. “But I bet a few thousand words in the Southpaw could change that.”
While reports from Iraq have been scarce since the U.S. began its retreat, Saddam Hussein did appear on Iraqi television to deliver a message to his people.
“I would like to thank the students of Washington University, particularly the editors of the Southpaw, for convincing your tyrannical President Bush to leave our peaceful country,” said Saddam. “Oh, and tell that kid who called me a ‘wanksta’ to watch his back.”