I’ve flown home from school for these so-called breaks before, but I had not yet had the experience of flying home during the weekend of a University of Nebraska-University of Texas football game. Going home during a big game alters everything from the typical clothing apparel (red and orange were the only colors in style) to security policy (a boy around the age of ten with a cornhead tucked under his arm asked the security woman if he could carry on his cornhead. She told him he could bring a cornhead on the flight even if it was liquid and he didn’t have a plastic bag). The passion, dedication and even rule-bending people will do for the sports team they love led me to an important realization. No, not that we could be entering the era of cornhead or cheesehead terrorism, or that we should implement something like “Colorado University fan” profiling, but that a good Division I football team would solve all the perennial Wash. U. problems.
The decision to divert school resources to becoming a football powerhouse would be shocking, which lines up perfectly with the strategy of pretty much every college on the planet right now. Though spawning a Division I football team might be a little crazier than Harvard’s elimination of early decision and new religious distribution requirements, with Wash. U.’s dire need of name recognition, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s not only the shock value of the decision to become a great football school that will give Wash. U. attention, but also the continuing tradition of the team. What’s Notre Dame without Rudy and the Fighting Irish? While this is an obvious benefit, it’s only part of the bigger story.
Everyone knows one of the biggest challenges Wash. U. faces is how to break into the coveted “U.S. News & World Distort” sorry, I meant “U.S. News & World Report,” top ten college rankings. A solid Division I football team would do the trick. A good, Division I football team means Fox fighting ABC for coverage of the big rivalry against Mizzou (okay, maybe the game against Mizzou only makes it onto Fox Sports, but the point still stands), and there will be money associated with the football games.
The money won’t just come from advertising and television, but mainly from the suddenly loyal and school-spirited alumni who will fly across the country to set foot in Francis Field on game day. There will also be money associated with the fan gear we can sell for our team, which is going to be important for generating revenue, now that it’s pretty much school policy to name anything with brick “Danforth.” There’s no need to worry about deterring potential benefactors, not only can we name sections of the stadium, we can make up in Bears shot glasses, sweatshirts, pens, flags, trash cans – basically anything you can conceive of can be a huge money-maker, so long as it has a Bears logo. With our significantly increased alumni-giving ranking, we’ll definitely surpass Cornell and begin to threaten the University of Chicago on that alone.
Though some of the extra money has to go toward maintaining the football team, we’ll make enough money that we could hire seven new research professors without causing anyone to flinch. These professors can do research all day to add to the prestige of our school and teach classes of one student to bring down the average class size – they’ll be a true asset to our educational experience, and this will show up in the rankings.
Finally, the administration can save face and continue to over-admit freshmen without looking like it has poor foresight. Instead, the school can claim that it’s part of a long-term plan to provide better support for the football program (we’re going to need a marching band and student trainers), and I think the student body could get behind it. I mean, in the name of school spirit? Besides, as long as Student Life stands ready to solve Wash. U. overpopulation problems with hot dog cart proposals, we have nothing to worry about.
This is an ultimate win-win situation. And all this time we thought moving up in the rankings was difficult.
Jill is a sophomore in Arts & Sciences and a Forum Editor. She can be reached via e-mail at [email protected].