Aye, so ye think it be funny to steal me Captain’s hat, eh? So you think ye could get away with takin’ a pirate’s trademark headgear, eh? So you think I wouldn’t find you, eh? Think again, matey, because I be gettin’ it back as before ye can say “bury the booty.”
That’s right, some scurvy dog had the audacity to take me hat this past Saturday night. While showing a rare instance of pirate courtesy, I held the door for a group of young lads and lasses as the fire alarm rang in an attempt to show me softer side. Aye, but alas, a lass took me hat in what I thought was a simple jest where it would be returned shortly. But no, the wench ran off with it!
Some of ye may say it be hypocritical for a pirate much like meself to complain of the lack of morals exercised on the part of said robber. How do I answer this? With a slit to yer throat, ye scallywag, don’t question the Captain! You think ye can drink me grog, not thank me for holding said door in a time of emergency, and then STEAL from me? Ye have messed with the wrong pirate, for I’ve keelhauled a many for far less.
I find meself searching for motives now. Why in all the briny deep would someone show such disrespect for a Captain as dangerous as I? Perhaps I should blame society for this great misdeed. Perhaps it be the capitalist-instigated notion that there must be a lowest common denominator in the socioeconomic ladder. Perhaps this is how I’m supposed to be pushed to this underclass. Aye, this is the work of those that think lighting hobos on fire be funny. Actually, it is funny, but that isn’t the point. The point be that ye motha truckin’ rich kids best respect a hard working pirate like meself; if not for the ethical implications, then definitely because I’ll kill you otherwise.
Or maybe it be ninjas.
Probably not. How do I know this? Because I have many a crewmen who be witnesses to this travesty, and a ninja would never let witnesses escape alive. That said, I do have some knowledge as to where the robber resides, and being that I am probably the most generous pirate around, I have an ultimatum of the most fair variety: Ye have one week to return me hat. Otherwise I come to loot and pillage where ye live.
So I bid ye adieu and hope ye have the brains to make me hat magically appear at House #4 on the row. Until next time, sail safely and take no prisoners!
Captain Geoff Schaefer is a junior in Arts and Sciences. If you have any information on where his pirate hat is, you can contact him at [email protected].