Matt RubinA few weeks ago, during Facebook News Feed-gate, the nation witnessed the sheer power of its youth. To be honest, even I was amazed at the level of vigor displayed by students across college campuses. It was almost as if there were a full-fledged war going on.
The protests inspired me to take initiative of my own and lead the fight on another important issue, but first I had to find one. To look for ideas, I turned on the television. I couldn’t find anything worthy of my effort on the boring channels like CNN or MSNBC, so I continued to Comedy Central to find The Colbert Report. On the show, Stephen Colbert was visited by the Hungarian ambassador to the United States, András Simonyi, who informed Colbert that Hungary would name a bridge near Budapest after him. It was at this point that it dawned on me that there is nothing on Washington University’s campus named after Stephen Colbert. My original thought was to change the name of Hilltop Campus to Colbert Campus, but someone informed me that it had already been changed to Danforth Campus. (There really should’ve been signs or announcements about that one). I then realized that the future Student Center has yet to be named after anybody. I said to myself out loud, “The Stephen Colbert Student Center.” It rolled right off the tongue.
The more I thought about it, the more sense it made. Our school’s motto is “Per Veritatem Vis,” which means “Strength through Truth.” Who better to honor than Stephen Colbert, the man who pumps truth to his audience four nights a week? By naming the new Student Center after Colbert, we can even work to help him. Colbert has repeatedly expressed his phobia of bears; he has put grizzly bears “on notice” and called them “godless killing machines.” Let’s help Stephen Colbert overcome his phobia by showing him that not all bears are so bad.
Now, I know some of you may be asking, “What has Stephen Colbert done for Wash. U.?” You’re thinking on too small of a scale. The correct question to ask is “What has Stephen Colbert done for America?” This one is much easier to answer. On his program, The Colbert Report, he courageously defends this great nation from those who want to see it perish: Hollywood, educated liberal elitists, and Democrats. Colbert is also a philanthropist. Through The Stephen and Melinda Gates Foundation, he, along with Microsoft CEO Bill Gates’ wife, serves the downtrodden. On top of all of these noble efforts, Colbert found the time to author a novel, “Stephen Colbert’s Lady Nocturne: Alpha Squad 7: A Tek Jansen Adventure.” The novel’s compelling prose is cause enough for naming the Student Center after him.
The Hungarian government isn’t the only government to distinguish Stephen Colbert. The great (or perhaps, greatest) President of the United States, George W. Bush honored Colbert by giving him center stage at this year’s White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner. It is our duty as Americans to support our commander-in-chief, and by extension, those who support him, such as Stephen Colbert. The San Francisco Zoo has done so; they named a newborn eagle Stephen Junior earlier this year.
Unfortunately, Wash. U. wouldn’t be the first educational institution to honor Stephen Colbert. Recently, Knox College in neighboring Illinois gave Colbert an honorary doctorate in fine arts. We need to up the ante. Let’s name our future, state-of-the-art student center “The Stephen Colbert Student Center” and show Knox College what it takes to be a university. We need to begin a campaign for change here at Washington University. We need to use the series of tubes that is “The Internets.” We need to stand up for heroes like Stephen Colbert who fight to keep America great. We need The Stephen Colbert Student Center. Someone start a Facebook group for it and invite me.
Altin is a freshman in Arts & Sciences. He can be reached via e-mail at [email protected].