Most leisurely activities are a form of escapism. Life’s hard and then you have fun. From the humble nerd trying to work in that one last game of Super Smash Brothers before he goes back to his physics equations, to the party animal drinking himself into a stupor after receiving a particularly appalling grade on a test, to even the over-worked and under-appreciated house mother just trying to catch a short nap, most people find themselves trying to escape from the pressures and worries of everyday life. Everyone does it and there’s nothing wrong with trying to avoid the real world for just a little while. Hell, that’s why we’re all in college. The real problem becomes when one chooses the wrong activity to escape with. This is the point where a more responsible journalist might bring up the evils of heroin, or rampant, anonymous, unprotected sex. I have never claimed to be one of these people. Instead, I will bring to light a much greater evil: clubbing.
Why do I hate clubbing? There are many reasons. Like all great bad habits, clubbing is expensive. Sometimes extraordinarily so. Especially for those of us cursed with a Y chromosome. To begin with, the entry-fee is insanely high. If I can see nationally acclaimed bands live for about $20, why would I pay $15 to listen to canned music? Then, once you get in, which is oftentimes an annoyingly long process, you have to pay out the ass for drinks. The concept of clubs brings pre-gaming to an entirely new level.
“But clubbing’s funnnnnnnnnnnn…” you yell at me. And “yell” is the operative word here. In clubs, one does not speak. You do not whisper. You yell. Now, seeing as how extended yelling is uncomfortable, this effectively takes any hope of conversation out of the picture. And conversation is what I love. There are few things more entertaining than a lively conversation lubricated by a few (or more) standard drinks. It is human interaction that I crave. For this reason I offer an alternative to clubs: bars. Bars offer plenty of stimulating conversation in a pleasant environment. Clubs only offer the promise of reduced hearing.
So why do people go to clubs, anyway? Dane Cook said it best: “Guys, we go to the clubs because, you know, that where you go, the girls go. Girls go to dance. … You will never hear a guy say… ‘Hey, listen, Mike, Michael, tonight dude, I gotta dance.'” And this is quite true. Chicks want dancing, guys want chicks. But why clubs, I must ask? To my fellow guys, I would propose that a bar is better place to pick up chicks. They’re probably better talkers, and as far as looks go, they seem to be in the same range. As for the ladies, I would propose that you can dance in places that aren’t charging you absurd amounts to have fun, and that aren’t sonically saturated with overly-loud music, and that aren’t stocked to the brim with potential sex offenders.
So, in short, I’m not really judging you as wrong if you go to clubs, but it’s not for me. Sure, they can be fun every once in a while, but it’s something that I simply cannot comprehend doing every week or even more often. I mean, I’m a college student: I’m poor. I drink rice beer and McCormick’s because it suits my pocketbook, and then I can go talk to people. Seriously, who needs clubs? I can achieve the same thing by turning up the music in my room, or by heading over to a frat house. And they don’t charge admission.
Tom is a freshman in Arts & Sciences. He can be reached at [email protected].