A missing newspapers report has been filed with WUPD regarding the disappearance of WUnderground. The campus humor paper, WUnderground, has not been seen since fall semester.
WUnderground was born last year as the brainchild of brothers in the Beta Theta Pi fraternity. The University community immediately adopted it as one of its own, embracing stories like “Loser chooses not to have sex.” However, after many of the original founders graduated, WUnderground started to struggle. Its presence started to become scarce before finally vanishing this semester.
This disappearance has left the Wash. U. community in a state of despair. “I needed WUnderground to get through the day!” outgoing Student Union President David Ader proclaimed. “Its witty headlines, its clever writing . I just can’t .” Ader continued, before breaking down in tears.
Ader has not been the only person distraught about the lack of a humor magazine this semester. Last Thursday, there was a candlelight vigil for WUnderground. And campus psychologists have noted that the campus as a whole has been generally less funny, pointing to the fact that no student has defecated in his or her RA’s room yet, and no sorority girls have passed out in front of girl scouts.
The admissions office is also afraid that the blandness of campus, generated by the loss of WUnderground, will scare off potential students. Nanette Tarbouni, director of undergraduate admissions, explained, “WUnderground proved to prospective freshman that the University is in fact funny, and not just some boring place without a humor magazine. Now, we only have the Student Life sex issue to show them how funny we are.” Tarbouni also broke down in tears.
The return of WUnderground should be the greatest concern for next year’s SU administration. “I’ve told this to Paul,” a still-tearful Ader said. “I really hope it comes back.” Police Chief Don Strom has committed to using all of his resources to find WUnderground, and bring it back to campus next semester. “We will find it,” a confident Strom claimed, “or my name isn’t Police Chief Don Strom.” Strom then broke down into tears. If anybody sees a short, one-year old newspaper, printed on white paper, please contact the authorities immediately.
Note: In the spirit of WUnderground, we have fabricated all quotes and sources in this editorial. Neither Ader, Tarbourni nor Strom actually cried over the loss of WUnderground.