Jane* is crazy. Not crazy like she sometimes wears mismatched socks or a black belt with brown shoes. Crazy as in she behaves illogically and irrationally.
When Jane wants a boyfriend, she does things to catch a certain boy’s attention. She and her friends put on her their “cutest outfits,” (read: ample cleavage will be showing, even though Jane will routinely slap any poor soul she finds looking at it. It’s not there for men to look at, it’s.nevermind). The girls load on plenty of makeup, because it would certainly be ludicrous for someone to see Jane’s real face. Her philosophy is: the longer you can make him believe you’re actually someone else, the better the relationship will be. Jane straps on her tallest heels whilst complaining about how much they hurt her feet. (Note: her style of walking in the aforementioned heels would only look normal on an ice skating rink, but damn does she look good.)
One night, a male dares to enter the force field Jane and her friends have created. He singles Jane out, asking her to dance. She gasps, slaps him and goes back to grinding with her friends. He refuses to admit defeat, and eventually convinces her to follow him to his room upstairs. What happens after is inappropriate to describe in any venue, except perhaps the lunchroom in a prison.
Jane wakes up the next morning in John’s bed. Despite reiterating consistently over the course of the next couple of weeks that he has no interest in having a girlfriend at this particular moment in time, Jane finally wears him down. She calls repeatedly and presents an airtight case about why they are meant for each other. He gets sick of saying no, so he agrees to be her boyfriend. (What a romantically auspicious beginning.)
What follows represents a typical conversation between Jane and her boyfriend, John:
Jane mutters something between ravenous bites of her gargantuan Big Mac.
John: What was that, my beautiful darling?
Jane (washes down her sandwich with large gulps of the 80 oz. diet soda): I’m just getting so fat.
John: That’s not true – you are absolutely gorgeous.
Jane just looks offended, gets up from the table and storms out of the restaurant. Typically, she will make the entire ride home silent and uncomfortable, only to forgive John for no apparent reason 15.45 minutes later.
Once, during this routine argument, John made the mistake of fighting fire with water (he tried to use logic). He suggested that if Jane was worried about her weight, she could try eating sensibly and visiting the gym occasionally. This never happened again, however, because that was the last time Jane felt the need to bring her hunting rifle out of the closet. Even though she has no idea how to shoot it, John felt a bit apprehensive about sleeping with it pointed between his eyes every night.
One time, John’s car broke down on his way to pick Jane up for a date. Despite the pouring rain and the leaping flames consuming his engine, he dug in his glove box for a quarter and called Jane dutifully to alert her of his predicament. He was met with wailing sobs about his alleged unfaithfulness. It seems that John was wrong; he hadn’t any car trouble. According to Jane, it was clear he was having sex with another woman, but had called mid-gasm to tell her he wouldn’t be coming that evening.
Finally, when John can’t take anymore, he breaks up with Jane, foolishly thinking he can find a woman who isn’t crazy. (Good luck with that, John.) Even though Jane brought this entirely upon herself, and now realizes that she took John for granted and mistreated him, she cries hysterically about how pig-headed he is, and how he doesn’t even know what he’s missing out on. (Oh, he knows, Jane.) What follows is a raucous session of the “blind leading the blind,” where her equally insane friends convince her of what a prize she is. They feed her ice cream, no one goes to the gym, and despite the growing monstrosity of her butt, her friends lie to her about how “she’s never looked better.” (Yeah, because that will help things.) After an appropriate mourning period (about two hours ought to do it), Jane recovers from losing “the love of her life” that she dated for two weeks, and declares herself ready to move on to someone new.
Molly is a senior in Arts & Sciences and the senior Forum editor.
*Name changed