That whole Emory war deal? That’s so September. Unfortunately, someone decided to tell that to “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” also.
For those of you who do not remember, Emory declared war on Wash. U. on Sept. 19. The war was summarily forgotten by Sept. 23. Nevertheless, the Oct. 7 issue of the Emory Wheel declared that “The Daily Show” would be planning a segment about the war, a story which was picked up by Student Life and ran as a news brief in the Oct. 12 issue. But what was never in the newspaper was the fact that the Daily Show called me on Oct. 18, asking me about the war. I told them that the war was a good idea in theory, but poorly executed, and has been out of any campus thought for about a month. Being prone to jumping to conclusions, I assumed that I would next be interviewed on the Daily Show, that this phone call was like a pre-interview in order to prepare good questions. Oh, how wrong I was.
Because they called my cell phone from an unknown number, I would get a little excited every time a telemarketer called me and their number came up as unknown. This happened frequently, but “The Daily Show” never called. Like a lover scorned, I kept waiting for the phone call that would never come. It wasn’t until this past weekend that News editor-extraordinaire Laura Geggel informed me that the segment was off-my 15 minutes of fame was over before it even began.
We cannot allow this. I must get onto “The Daily Show.” Trying to restart the war with Emory isn’t an option. Not only would it probably fail to rouse interest on campus, but again, that’s so September. But we can declare war on “The Daily Show,” and more generally, Comedy Central.
Our main weapon in this war will be WUTV. WUTV is so obviously, blatantly superior to Comedy Central. All Comedy Central has are reruns of MadTV, and a stable of mediocre-at-best movies. WUTV, meanwhile, has a handful of good movies, which they show over and over and over again. Last year, there were the constant “Mean Girls” showings, and now there are classics like the original “Thomas Crown Affair” (with Steve McQueen), and “Dirty Work” in rotation. And the other day, I saw an episode of “Law and Order” on WUTV. On what other cable networks could you find reruns of “Law and Order”? Not Comedy Central, that’s for sure.
So let’s see what you’ve got, Comedy Central. As we all know, we’re No. 11 in U.S. News’ completely definitive list of college rankings. Well, Jon Stewart went to William and Mary, and William and Mary is No. 31. As the saying goes, the war is over.
Daniel is a sophomore in Arts & Sciences and a Forum editor.