To the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.
What do you call a person who has no friends and no idea where to live next year? Not that anime enthusiast from your freshman floor-he knows where he’s living next year, and contrary to popular opinion of him, he probably does have friends as well. It’s the person who has the lowest lottery number. To the unlucky soul who got the worst lottery number, we here at Student Libel have a message for you: we’d rather be an RA on Lee 3 than you.
We bet you were a perfectly normal person at one time. You probably had friends with whom you had already planned to live. You may even have started to make arrangements. Billy and Johnny would get the singles, you’d have one refrigerator for beer, another for hard liquor, etc. But now, Tommy has this new friend, and everyone likes him, and Bobby thinks you smell. Suddenly, you’re less popular than an Alpha Phi at a Girl Scout convention. Hopefully, you’ll be able to get over your pain, and someday pick up the pieces and lead a normal life. But for now, we just have to laugh, because all of us (well, the one of us whose lottery number actually matters) got a pretty sweet number. Sucks to be you.
You may now be asking yourself, “What did I do to deserve this? I study, I know the difference between a toilet and a room, how come I have to deal with this fate?” The sad truth is that you probably didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, you’re a hero. You’ve given the rest of us a greater sense of well-being. We may have a bad lottery number, but it could be worse. We could have your number.
Don’t be too upset about your number, though. Who knows, maybe Small Group will miraculously become a great place to live over the summer.