The omega of my column writing career for Cadenza has been reached.
This is my end of the year, final, ultimate, last Cadenza column extravaganza! At long last the time has come for me to put down my pen, burn my keyboard and never trouble you with diseased ramblings again. (Actually, I will have to postpone burning my keyboard for another a week as I have about five papers due on the 30th, but I will burn it then I assure you!)But what do with my final opportunity for slander and free speech? How to go out with a bang?
I could have opened up with a quotation that was full of meaning and sentiment that would have made you break down and weep like you did when Bambi’s mother was killed. I could of use a quote this one from Jim Morrison: “This is the end, of our elaborate plans, the end, of everything that stands, the end, I’ll never look into to your eyes again.” I could have used for my last column to give it a kind of classy “hey look I’m in college and I’m quoting something culturally significant in an ironic way” feel. It sounds pretty good, its about ending. Why not use it?
I decided not to use it partly because it would make my column feel like an essay on loss in 20th century rock lyrics, and mostly because the quote would be misleading. I mean, truthfully, I’ve never really looked into your eyes to begin with, so not doing so again would not be that disturbing or heartbreaking. Also, I would say that most of plans (barring the one to invade Australia) were not very elaborate: my plans were simple and effectively concise without requiring needless amounts of men and material. If you want your designs for entertaining mayhem and joyous destruction to be realized you must keep you plan simple so that the goons you hire to do your dirty work will be able to remember them without writing them down. (Remember, it is likely that at least 65% of the goons for hire will be illiterate)
So, I have stayed simple with my last opus. Thank you. I want to thank all of you out there that took time out of your busy life to read my column and the other fine columns in Cadenza. It took lightening reflexes to pick up a Cadenza every week during the three seconds it was actually made available before it was removed tomake way for the Friday Student Life. I salute my loyal readers’ dexterity and excellent literary taste!
Lastly I will reveal to you my plans for next year. I will be going to (Drum roll please) Japan! Yes, I am making the jump across the Pacific Ocean in order to teach the fine people of Japanthe rudiments of the English language. They will learn how to speak naturally and clearly by mimicking my facile pronunciation and regular diction. Aren’t the people of Japan blessed? Well, I am off to drive another country mad with my ramblings, so I suggest you locate an alternatie source for the unique perspective I have offered; perhaps you could have the medical school genetically cross a spider monkey with Bob Dole and train the beast to write a column. Or perhaps not . . . farewell all!