David BrodyIt was New Year’s Day 2005. Sophomore Bobbie Bigby was studying abroad in China. A little homesick, Bigby went to a Daoist temple to reflect. When she left the temple later that day, she had found more than consolation – she also had a date.
Inside the temple, Bigby had met Xuewen, a Chinese student working towards a bachelor’s degree in Daoist philosophy. After talking for a while, Xuewen asked Bigby out and the couple dated for the duration of Bigby’s time abroad.
Many Washington University students have long-distance relationships with students attending other universities in the United States. For some couples, however, distance is calculated by more than just mileage. Dating someone from another country adds a level of cultural difference that can affect everything from how a relationship begins to how emotions are expressed.
Senior Rebecca Traub dated a native Englishman for several months as she studied at Oxford University her junior year. Traub noted that several of the local English students seemed fascinated by American girls studying abroad. After they had grown more comfortable together, Traub asked the guy she was dating about her observation.
“I said to him, ‘I’ve noticed that all of your friends are dating American girls – what’s with that?'” said Traub. “He kind of brushed off the comment.”
Indeed, there is a certain allure to dating someone from another country. Stories of dreamlike romances float in the heads of students as they head off to discover a new culture abroad. It becomes a sort of adventure to date someone who lives in a different nation. In most cases, this adventure and the study abroad experience end simultaneously.
For sophomore Caitlin Park, the adventure didn’t even begin until she had returned home from her study abroad program in Mexico. While in Mexico, Caitlin developed a strong friendship with Roman, a Mexican student who attends the host university of Park’s program. Their relationship was strictly limited to friendship for the entirety of Park’s six-week trip. Park stayed in touch with Roman after coming home and the two discussed the possibility of reuniting the following summer.
One day, Roman mentioned that he had a break until school began again, and that he would be able to visit Park before the summer was over. Shortly thereafter, Roman came to stay with Park at her family home in Portland, Ore.
“He came to Portland as a friend and things just sort of developed,” said Park. “He made that effort to come see me [and] that was just a huge thing for me.”
When Ramon left to go back to Mexico, the couple decided to stay together.
“It came down to the fact that we both loved what we had and didn’t want it to end,” said Park.
Bigby and her boyfriend had a similar feeling when Bigby’s academic year in China ended. Bigby elected to skip her high school graduation and stay in China a while longer. She and Xuewen traveled throughout the country and even visited Xuewen’s parents in south China. When Bigby finally had to return to the United States, the pair had no doubts that they wanted their relationship to continue.
Despite the nearly constant state of separation their relationship entails, Bigby and Xuewen are still together today. The distance can be daunting and Bigby mentioned that it is sometimes difficult to see couples displaying their affection around campus.
Yet, Bigby is content with her relationship. What is important, said Bigby, is being able to hear her boyfriend’s voice. She and Xuewen speak every day, mostly in Chinese. Bigby hasn’t found keeping in touch to be a problem but noted that occasionally cultural differences can serve as minor roadblocks in their conversations.
“There is so much about Chinese culture.that I can’t expect to understand because I wasn’t born there,” said Bigby.
Xuewen tries to bridge the culture gap by paying close attention to Bigby’s remarks about their relationship. For example, he began salsa lessons after Bigby told him she wished dancing like she had experienced in Latin America could be a part of their relationship.
“To me it doesn’t matter. whether he is good at salsa, but it’s the effort that really shows love,” said Bigby.
Traub found that a difference in cultural defaults caused occasional misunderstandings.
“There were definitely cultural and even language differences, even between people who [supposedly spoke] the same language,” said Traub.
She recalled that it took a while to get used to her English boyfriend’s use of different slang and to understand the relationship he shared with his male friends.
Interestingly, sophomore Gal Ben-Josef and her boyfriend Cesar Lizarraga, a Wash. U. junior and a native of Puerto Rico, haven’t really noticed the effects of their different backgrounds on their relationship. The pair attributed this lack of distinction to Lizarraga’s familiarity with the United States.
“I think [Lizarraga] is pretty Americanized,” said Ben-Josef. “[He] had a year here before [I] even met him to get accustomed to United States culture.it’s not like it’s something new.”
Lizarraga agreed.
“I’ve been trained in American culture for a long time,” he said. “And this is my third year [actually] here, so I’ve [really gotten used] to American things.”
If Park and Bigby’s plans work out, their boyfriends will also get a chance to become more learned in American culture. Park’s boyfriend is looking into summer opportunities in Portland and Bigby’s hopes to attend graduate school in the United States.
For now, the girls are focusing on enjoying what they have. Both Park and Bigby attributed much of their success to their parents’ support and understanding.
“I feel that sometimes some people who don’t know me as well [don’t] have [respect] towards my relationship,” said Bigby. “[But] I feel that our love is so true I don’t need other people to validate it. it is [enough] for me that both of our parents validate it.”
Bigby also stressed the importance of approaching her relationship with a positive attitude.
“I figure all couples have [a] hump to get over,” said Bigby. “It’s just [that the] obstacle we have to overcome is very different from other people’s.”
Park maintains a similar outlook.
“We’re really just having a lot of optimism about [our relationship],” she said. “The fact that he’s so optimistic too is really what has kept us going through this. I [do] wish he was here.but I’m perfectly content otherwise.”