Courteney Cox – Ah, my first real, solid, starry-eyed celebrity love. I was 11 when I saw you in the great “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective,” and not long afterwards followed the immortal role of Monica on my long-beloved “Friends.” Eventually, you would grow shrill, marry David Arquette and sport a face that looked like shrink-wrap skin pulled over a skull. In those early, pre-adolescent days, however, you were the tart, fresh-faced object of my loyal affection. We called you “Courteney Fox.” Indeed.
Rogue – It’s a miracle my mind wasn’t warped by years spent reading comics full of preposterous female bodies clad in form-enhancing spandex. My love for the X-Men’s resident southern belle, though, was (well, largely) innocent. Who wouldn’t want to hear that soft, lemonade drawl refer to them warmly as “Sugah”? That whole inability to touch was a bit of a drag, and-good enough though Anna Paquin was-the movie didn’t quite capture the appeal. Ah, well. You’ll always hold a place in my inked and colored heart, chÅ re.
Gwen Stefani – I’ll never understand that fact that you married quite possibly the lamest rock star in the history of lame rock stars (excluding Scott Stapp), but you will always be special for introducing me to the beauty of blondes. My tastes have always skewed to the brunetter end of the spectrum, but your peroxide hue and increasingly sexy style was too much too resist. We never really got that deep, but then again, you’ve got horrible taste in guys, apparently. I can’t say I’m all that hurt.
Sarah McLachlan – Oh, man. Never before or since have I taken such heat for directing my affections at a famous pretty girl. No one seemed to get the genuine gorgeousness of my home country’s piano chanteuse, but they must have been blind, as those Sarah eyes are a gift from very, very high above. The short hair always got me, too, even though I generally dig the full mane-and who gives a damn if no one understood. You’re my angel, Sarah; in some ways, you always will be.
Kate Winslet – I’d just like to note that all the people who thought I was crazy for gawking at the “Titanic” star are now slobbering idiots for “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.”
Michelle Branch – Michelle, my Michelle, things were oh-so-beautiful until you posed for Maxim and wedded your pushing-40 bassist. What happened to us? Where did you lose your way? It could’ve been sweet; if I wanted to, you’d have saved me-I’d’ve been everywhere to you. I suppose, I guess, it was not to be, so farewell. Enjoy outliving your husband by two decades.
Norah Jones – Just because you’re funny, talented, sweet, sarcastic, lovely, gorgeous, relaxed and down-to-earth. Y’know, just a few things.