Horoscopes for your WU future

Night has fallen on the kingdom of Fontbunne. Just a wee territory in a sea of bigger fishes, it slumbers restlessly.

Considering it is our main to write about them, we have some opinions on sports. Here is a ranking of some sports that we like, ranked from easiest to hardest.

Slam Skinker, Student Libel’s former editor-in-chief, resigned from the position this morning at 3:37 a.m. following his appointment as the United Kingdom’s new prime minister.

In a recent triumph of the free press, Student Libel successfully went undercover as a member of “One-Percenters Anonymous,” the most exclusive group on campus. Well, as exclusive as a group of one-percenters at Washington University can be.

In response to rampant complaints regarding limited parking and lack of passes, the Washington University’s Office of Parking & Transportation will merge with the Loop Trolley Company.

Washington University Campus Life called for the temporary suspensions on any organization with Greek letters and placed the Department of Classics on probation Friday.

Maintaining that the protestors calling for Washington University to divest from fossil fuels have “no drip,” Chancellor Mark Wrongton announced that the University will not change its investment policies.

Citing its “exquisite modern facilities” and “quaint on-campus craft shops,” the university rankings website Niche named Washington University’s West Campus the most beautiful in the United States Thursday.

Beginning in the fall semester, Holmes Lounge and Brookings Quad will be no longer be available for student usage. These transitions come in light of the closure of the Gargoyle and Mallinckrodt 100A in February 2019.