Skinker resigns from editor-in-chief position, becomes UK prime minister
Slam Skinker, Student Libel’s former editor-in-chief, resigned from the position this morning at 3:37 a.m. following his appointment as the United Kingdom’s new prime minister.
Skinker’s felony record might cause issues as he comes into his role. Skinker is a felon due to his favorite pastime, reading other people’s mail. Despite this deterrence, he said he feels as though his faux accent will charm the entire country into forgetting about his felonious past.
“I saw an opening and thought, ‘Hey folks, I can do this,’” Skinker said in an exclusive interview with Student Libel. “I mean, they wouldn’t call a vote of no confidence on me? If it was going to happen, honestly wouldn’t it have been done by now?”
Skinker, a native of York, England, said he is looking forward to his return to his prized homeland. He affirmed that while he might not be the best prime minister, he will be “better than nothing.” He also floated the idea of being queen, but refused to comment on how that was going.
“When people ask me how I’m going to handle issues like Brexit, I’m going to be very upfront about it,” Skinker said. “We’ve gotta do something, folks. Remain, leave, who’s to say? But something will happen. Probably.”
Many citizens are angered both by Skinker’s felony record and the fact that he has spent the majority of his life in Oshkosh, WI.
“Just cause he wears gray all the time doesn’t make him British,” an angered citizen, Humbert Pierce Morgan the Fifth, said. “I was hoping for Hugh Grant…turns out he’s also a criminal. Just can’t find a good one these days.”
“I heard he doesn’t even drink tea,” Morgan intimated.
“I can confirm that Skinker’s drink of choice is Diet Coke,” former ass editor Johnny Test said. “Sometimes, someone hands him a cup of tea and he says, ‘Not on my watch!’ and pours it down the sink. I don’t know what that means as he transitions to becoming Prime Minister, but it probably means something.”
Sara Bareilles will be the head of Skinker’s transition team. Bareilles will sing her 2010 hit, “King of Anything” to inaugurate Skinker’s proper first day as Prime Minister.
“I really didn’t agree to this,” Bareillis said in an email to Student Libel. “I mean, who the hell is Slam Skinker?”
Editor’s note: Skinker contacted Student Libel asking to clarify his comments on a no confidence vote. What follows is Skinker’s email to Student Libel:
“I’m very confident,” Skinker wrote. “I’m the most confident person I know. People have taken the time to tell me I exude confidence in every single thing I do.”