Loop Trolley Company and Office of Parking & Transportation announce merger

Blue Man’s Biggest Fan | Transportation Correspondant

In response to rampant complaints regarding limited parking and lack of passes, the Washington University’s Office of Parking & Transportation will merge with the Loop Trolley Company.

The merger, announced at a joint press conference with representatives from both the Trolley Company and the University, said the decision came from several “thoughtful” and “productive” conversations on how best to discourage students from bringing vehicles to camps and encouraging more residents to use the trolley.

“We’ve been saying this for years: Gen Z wants a trolley. People are always complaining about how the Loop ‘isn’t relevant’ or that the repeat businesses don’t ‘generate interest,’” Blue Man, the architect behind the trolley project, said. “But if you think about it, everything looks better from a wooden bench on a train car.”

Man said the only hesitation he had going into the merger was that the company would possibly have to re-evaluate its insurance policies.

“It’s so easy not to park places,” Man said in reference to the serial car damages the trolley caused. “Ridiculously easy. If people actually saw the potential in the trolley, they would have the forethought to immediately suspend all other forms of transportation everywhere. But people don’t have the vision I do. I’m not going to say it’s the trolley’s fault, but I’m also not not saying we’re going to be re-examining our insurance policies soon.”

Man said he hopes people will just “stop driving cars.” He referenced a series of focus groups that allegedly happened where participants had the opportunity to give feedback. According to Man, the only criticism he received was that “[the merger] didn’t happen sooner.”

“They got transportation right in the ‘50s,” Man said. “They just did. There’s no legitimate counter argument that convinces me otherwise. Everyone is very on board. Get it, like a trolley. You get on a trolley. It’s a metaphor, you see. I got to where I am because of those.”

While Man refused to comment on how potential concerns from the University moving forward, a University spokesman agreed to speak to Student Libel on-record about the deal on the condition of anonymity.

“Listen, we get it. We hear you,” the spokesperson said. “It’s absurd. The trolley is absurd. Who wants a trolley that goes two miles to places that already have roads? But hear me out: We just move the tracks. We just pick them up and move them to where we want them.”

The spokesperson said plans have been submitted to relevant figures to redirect resources from the East End Transformation to moving the tracks from West Campus to “wherever we want.”

“All roads lead to Wash. U.,” the spokesperson said. “Why do you think they called it Leading Together? We’ve already floated some ideas, but rest assured, the trolley will be finished on time for students to use it.”

When asked how the logistics would work in moving the trolley tracks, the spokesperson said they weren’t sure.

“Here at Wash. U., we have a tradition of excellence in everything we do. The problem with this philosophy when we approach projects like the trolley, things get trickier,” the spokesperson said. “We want to close the Underpass for the months of August and September like we did before. What I’m thinking is that we just close it anyway and see what happens. Who knows?”

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