We’ve got it, please take it: A request to make WU more expensive

Richie McMoneybags | Senior 1 Percenter

At the start of this year, Washington University made a decision that was widely accepted as a good and entirely ungreedy move: adding radio-frequency identification (RFID) technology to the glassware and replacing the soda fountains with fancy computers that read these RFID chips, allowing the University to guarantee that everyone partaking in a soft drink has paid for it and limits their refills. Basically, the University spent $65,000 with the sole intent being to make us spend more money. And you know what, I love it.

In fact, I believe the University should make us pay more. Seventy thousand dollars in university fees is simply not enough money, and I find this measly number to be insulting. Do you have any idea as to how many zeroes and commas are in my parents’ bank accounts? Bring on those fees, baby. I chose Wash. U. for its lack of socioeconomic diversity and I would like for the University to work to increase these class divides.

I believe this RFID system has a beautiful potential to grow and could be implemented elsewhere. If the University were to pair with local veterinarians, these microchips could be implanted into students to guarantee that each individual pays as much as possible to be at this institution. The University could use this to both enforce payment for and monitor usage of some things that have thus far been “basic amenities.”

Students should have to charge it to their accounts every time they drink from a water fountain, use toilet paper or take a shower in university housing. Students should be forced to load up on these amenities through their student account and give their RFID chips (which I recommend be implanted directly into the forehead of students to increase social shaming of those that cannot afford this system). Students can simply swing their heads around and give themselves a little scan before partaking in water or toilet paper.

In fact, a university-wide dress code should be implemented. Every winter, students should only be permitted to wear Canada Goose coats and not those silly ones without the coyote furs— there needs to be as many animal carcasses as possible. No headphones should be permitted besides AirPods. Other clothing can be based on individual preference, but must be from a provided list of top designer brands and should never be worn more than twice. Doing laundry is for peasants. Failure to meet this dress code should be met with immediate expulsion.

Washington University needs to focus on pleasing the majority of its students, and the majority are filthy freaking rich. We have the money, do not insult us by not charging as much as humanly possible.

Sign up for the email edition

Stay up to date with everything happening as Washington University returns to campus.

Subscribe