University goes ‘all in’ on new athletic complex

Poseidon Tomlinson | All-Around Boss

As the Olin Business School’s new buildings signified a call on Washington University’s ridiculous string of raises with new halls, the athletic department decided to end the round of betting once and for all. Or at least for a year or so before the newly redesigned athletic complex is out of date.

Director of Athletics Sean Jael and Sports Information Director Mitch Crystal announced the expansion at a press conference broadcast live by ESPN 5—The Cinco. Jael said that despite his upcoming retirement, he sincerely hoped that the complex would be used by all students, not just varsity athletes.

The changes will include a rebranding of the athletic complex into more of a “recreation center” to attempt to make the area more inviting to all members of the University community.

“I just kept thinking that we could get more people to come watch our games if the whole place wasn’t called an ‘athletic complex.’ I mean, I don’t really know that many students who are decently athletic, so maybe they were intimidated?” Jael said. “But nobody is afraid of recreation.”

The new design is highlighted by the inclusion of a Quidditch pitch to historic Francis Field. Due to the aerial nature of the sport, the department is exploring the possibility of hosting Quidditch matches simultaneously with home football or soccer games in a last-ditch attempt to increase attendance figures. At the time of publication, the NCAA had not yet commented on the possibility of giving a team 10 points for kicking the ball through a hoop for a different game.

Internal additions to the new recreation center include a 50,000-square-foot roof-top poker facility to accommodate the school’s burgeoning poker team, which finished runner-up to the University of Nevada-Las Vegas at last year’s NCAA Final Table.

“It really means a lot that the University would up the ante like this and give us the facility space we need to really take the next step,” junior Michael Moneymaker, captain of the poker team, said. “They’re really betting on us to succeed, and you’ll see that we’re worth it.”

Further expansion will include an 18-hole golf course that will span the entirety of the Danforth Campus and extend beneath Skinker Boulevard into Forest Park. Instead of traditional hazards like sand, water and geese, this course will feature obstacles such as the Metro line between the Big Bend and Skinker stations and a previously unknown termite colony living beneath Brookings Hall, in addition to the ridiculously low ceiling and solid dirt walls.

The final noteworthy addition was a regulation Ultimate Fighting Champion cage. At least one University official hinted at the possibility that this addition will be built immediately and will be used to help determine the new athletic director. The official also said that the first match would likely feature chemistry lab professor Kit Mao and Student Life editor-in-chief Saheel Pateel.

Rumors of a suspended jogging track, three-court gymnasium and renovated Francis Gymnasium ultimately proved to be unfounded.

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