‘One-Percenters Anonymous’ discuss privilege, want more

Jaden SatenQueen | Unemployed

In a recent triumph of the free press, Student Libel successfully went undercover as a member of “One-Percenters Anonymous,” the most exclusive group on campus. Well, as exclusive as a group of one-percenters at Washington University can be.

Gaining entrance was hard, but we at Student Libel used our journalistic instincts and minimal knowledge of “Undercover Boss” to crack the group’s code. I simply had to throw on a Fjallraven backpack and slip into a pair of Golden Goose and I was in.

The meeting took place in Knight Center because, I mean, duh. As I entered the private dining room, my senses were overwhelmed. Lil Dicky’s “Freaky Friday” blasted. Georgio Armani’s newest cologne scent, “Elon’s Musk,” permeated the air.

The meeting began quite late, as multiple members stumbled in 15 minutes later than the scheduled start time with tall, non-fat lattes with caramel drizzles in hand, claiming that the Ubers they had called from 0.4 blocks away got stuck in traffic.

The names of the support group’s members have been changed in order to protect their anonymity.

“We’re a very targeted group on campus,” junior Trickle Down said.

Echoing Down’s sentiments, the group’s president began the meeting by expressing his grievances with the way the University has mistreated him and his fellow Supreme-donning group members.

“Everyone always goes on about how Wash. U. should be need-blind,” group president MyFather WillHearAboutThis said. “But, you know what? It already is. Blind to OUR needs.”

The meeting became even more heated as the group began to discuss recent protests against its signature Canada Goose jackets.

“I mean, can you blame us?” anti-Canada Goose organization Feather Free WashU wrote in a statement to Student Libel.

Fortunately, the meeting ended on a more positive note, with the announcement that after a generous donation, SHS has broken ground on the new Lori Loughlin Center for Affluenza.

Washington University School of Medicine officially defines affluenza as, “being so rich that you can’t act like a normal f—— person.” Notable affluenza patients include Supreme Leader Donald Trump, self-made billionaire Kylie Jenner and that guy from your sociology class who “just wants to play devil’s advocate.”

As people exited, I decided it was time to reveal my true identity in order to interview a few members. Before I could finish saying hello, the first attendee I approached simply shot me a dirty look, pointed to the AirPods sitting prominently in his ears and stormed away.

I got close to getting comment from the president himself, but unfortunately he informed me that he had to leave immediately.

“Sorry, I gotta go pretend to be on the crew team.”

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