Hot and heavy horoscopes
Aquarius: You try to study in the Fun Room but keep getting distracted by the sounds of ardent love-making issuing forth from the DUC showers.
Pisces: You become unable to differentiate between Phi Delt and PDP. After all, they’re both suspended.
Aries: Your WUnderground article idea gets rejected for not being sufficiently insensitive.
Taurus: You transfer to Fontbonne.
Gemini: You receive a late bid for a hard-partying social fraternity, like Model UN.
Cancer: The waitress at Ibby’s doesn’t accept your fake ID. No sangria for you :(
Leo: You attempt coitus in a hammock by Olin and end up with a concussion.
Virgo: You get two whole listeners on your KWUR show! But more are listening on FM, right?
Libra: You get blacklisted from [insert frat here] after demanding respect.
Scorpio: SU refuses to fund your student group’s main programming event for the semester.
Sagittarius: You see a friend from your freshman floor multiple times, always assuring one another that you’ll get coffee. You do not get coffee.
Capricorn: You make prolonged, intense, intimate eye contact with Chancellor Wrighton.