Hot and heavy horoscopes

Ignoratio Elenchi | Professional Thruthsayer

Aquarius: You try to study in the Fun Room but keep getting distracted by the sounds of ardent love-making issuing forth from the DUC showers.

Pisces: You become unable to differentiate between Phi Delt and PDP. After all, they’re both suspended.

Aries: Your WUnderground article idea gets rejected for not being sufficiently insensitive.

Taurus: You transfer to Fontbonne.

Gemini: You receive a late bid for a hard-partying social fraternity, like Model UN.

Cancer: The waitress at Ibby’s doesn’t accept your fake ID. No sangria for you :(

Leo: You attempt coitus in a hammock by Olin and end up with a concussion.

Virgo: You get two whole listeners on your KWUR show! But more are listening on FM, right?

Libra: You get blacklisted from [insert frat here] after demanding respect.

Scorpio: SU refuses to fund your student group’s main programming event for the semester.

Sagittarius: You see a friend from your freshman floor multiple times, always assuring one another that you’ll get coffee. You do not get coffee.

Capricorn: You make prolonged, intense, intimate eye contact with Chancellor Wrighton.

Sign up for the email edition

Stay up to date with everything happening as Washington University returns to campus.

Subscribe