Fan fiction of the Week: ‘Wustl-bunne: What could have been’

Shady Buttson | ~RawrXD~

Night has fallen on the kingdom of Fontbunne. Just a wee territory in a sea of bigger fishes, it slumbers restlessly. Fear has overcome the villagers. A great power is at their doorstep knocking. The wise woman predicted this ever since the stone marker was wrecked by the reckless driver. She said, “A great adversary is gathering their forces and soon the rivers will run red and green.” The griffins sharpen their talons and quiver in their coves.

Chad never wanted to be a hero. He journeyed to the land of Wustl to become a medicine man. A healer. To make a shit load of money so his parents would get off his back about justifying such an expensive journey to the most expensive apprenticeship program out there. Chad just wanted to try healing for a year then become a tax collector, have sex, join a brotherhood with some asshole friends and one day conquer the Siegle doors. He was a simple man with simple needs. He never thought he would save the Griffins from the viscous kingdom he resided in, but he sure liked telling people about it.

Britney never wanted to be the side character to Chad’s story. She wasn’t the trusty sidekick. She actually stayed on the pre-med path. She was putting herself through the apprenticeship program by the skin of her teeth. She had to walk around every day pretending she was Brad, Chad’s unfortunate best friend, just to be admitted to the program. She should have always been the main character but somehow he got all the credit. Even though she’s the one that stopped the invasion, Chad won the crowd with his gold meal plan and “generous heart”. What a load of s—.

Wustl Circa 1019

Wustl rulers convene in the Great Brookings Hall. Their voices echo off the dome roof, a cacophony of discord. Tankards are raised in inflection, spit flies from the rotting orifices of fools and the fire crackles its dissent. The voices stop for a moment, and a robotic drone comes from the middle of the floor. “Expansion is key. Our borders must be widened, until the names Umsl, Slu and Fontbunne are no more.” Mutters persist until the voice lets out a piercing stilted scream, “WINTER IS COMING AND THE BEARS ARE COMING TO FONTBUNNE.”


Chad is 5’8” at the doctor’s office and 6’ on Tinder. He checks the app habitually as he sweeps gel through his receding hairline and scratches at the plaque on his teeth. His face turns blue as his dad bod is starved of oxygen while he flexes for the mirror pic he’s about to send the catfisher posing as a girl he saw at a barn party last week. He feels okay this morning; a bit directionless. He has class at 1 p.m. but he’ll probably skip and play Overwatch with Brad when he gets out of class. Chad opens his backdoor, gearing up to spit in the “spit plant”. He rears back, startled to see his missile never made it to a leaf. Chad didn’t expect to find a Griffin on his back porch, and that Griffin did not expect to find drool on her face.

Britney (Brad):

Why the fuck is Chad calling me? It’s not even 11 a.m., shouldn’t he be hungover in bed still? Britney is tired of Chad. She’s tired of having to be Brad—Chad’s best friend. She’s tired of the constant commentary on women’s intelligence and their humor and their ability to open a f—ing heavy door. She goes into Siegle Hall every goddamn day to study and she’s at the top of her class of apprentices. Chad is a walking penis and yet he gets to go to school without a disguise. That’s fair.

“Brad, uh…it’s Chad.”

“Dude, I know. Caller ID.”

“Oh…huh, yeah, hype.”

“Chad. What do you need?”

“So uhm, there’s like a flying lion…”

“There’s a what?”

*Muffled voice* “I’m a fucking griffin you dumbass”

“Jesus Chad, just put whoever it is on the phone.”

*Scuffling ensues and the taps of talons grasping a phone reverberate through the speaker*

“Hello, Britney. It’s Rhonda speaking.”

Thanks for the reads!!!! XD. More soon :-). Sorry about the errors :P. Follow me on tumblr @WUMSLbunne1919 to read the second installment and uncover the mystery of Rhonda and Brad and Chad’s journey to save Fontbunne.

Sign up for the email edition

Stay up to date with everything happening as Washington University returns to campus.