News Briefs | March 31, 2010

Bob W. Bernstein

Jeff Nelson pardons smokers, himself
In a controversial move just hours before his term ended, former SU President Jeff Nelson tyrannically issued a press release stating his pardons as he ate waffles during late night Village hours. Most notably, he pardoned himself for choosing the Microsoft [email protected] e-mail service over the overwhelming popular and preferred Gmail. He provided no explanation for this initial choice but made it clear that this pardon was necessary for him to resume life as a common man. Additionally, he pardoned all those who will smoke on campus after the July 1st smoking ban is instituted. With this pardon, it seems that the campus community has a power struggle between the administration and the former SU president to look forward to. Who will win?

Trevor Mattea cast in Spamalot, Chase Sackett under house arrest
Trevor Mattea was cast as the “Oppressed Peasant” in the Fox Theater’s new production of Spamalot. In the production’s program, he thanks Chase Sackett and Constitutional Council for helping him prepare for this breakout role. In other news, Chase Sackett is under house arrest after a coup d’état failed to topple Chancellor Wrighton and the administration’s current regime.

Girls hold vigil outside Hilltop
The tears couldn’t drown out the reality that Hilltop will be going to a better place next year. Girls lit candles outside the establishment to memorialize the lost salad, hummus and grapes. Although there is a similarly styled salad station in the DUC, the girls said they fear that the greens will be tainted from the testosterone that flows from the adjacent taco station.

Sigma Chi brother knocked off Project Runway before first round
Brother Joe Orange had a vision to transform the way fashion interacts with society when he was, as he says, unfairly kicked off Project Runway before the show even started. But luckily for the avant-garde Wash. U. campus, Mr. Orange has shared the fruit of his talent with his Sigma Chi brothers. Clad in bright orange sweatsuits, the brothers can be seen parading around campus metaphorically slapping the producers of Project Runway in the face for their ludicrous decision. Although the brothers insist that there is no correlation between the orange sweatsuits and their decline in lady luckiness, the men will stop wearing the sweat suits in 23 days when the University administration demands that they be washed. Proving their strength as men and brothers, Sigma Chi fraternity members will continue to wear the heavy hoodies and pants as the weather tops 80 degrees.

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