Eskimo kisses: Innocent nuzzle or erotic romp?

A. Concerned Citizen | Iditarod Champion

While abroad in the early years of the new millennia, Wash. U. students had the unique opportunity to witness real Eskimos kissing. Ever since this chance encounter, Wash. U. students have emulated this style of kissing around campus, no matter what the temperature. However, in recent years, Eskimo kissing has seemed to take a turn for the, shall we say, erotic.

Eskimo kisses, Eskimo anthropologist Iggy Loo explained, were originally a symbol of affection and respect in the community. Due to the inclement weather, Eskimos would rub their noses against one another as to not expose their lips or hands.

Wash. U. students have taken a liking to this style of kissing, but with some new interpretations. When Eskimo kisses first reached campus, they would usually elicit an “Awww” response from onlookers. One could only witness the occasional nuzzles during twilight hours under the snow-kissed leaves. Couples willing to risk their dignity with this sign of love were usually in a serious relationship of two months.

This past year, couples have been bastardizing the Eskimo kiss and taking PDA to the extreme. One witness, who wishes to uphold full anonymity blabbed, “Last night at a party, I looked in a corner and saw Seth Goldbaum and Rebecca Steinberg doing some kind of nose slapping, tongue wagging, body bumping mating dance.” Another witness from the same party says they saw the couple simply Eskimo kisses, but then left as to not disturb them.

It seems as though innocent Eskimo kisses have transformed into some kind of face and body dry hump in public places. Most times, couples are so engrossed in intense eye-to-eye, nose-to-nose contact that they do not even realize a crowd of people gawking at them. Eskimo kisses have crossed over from the private to public sphere. One can go Eskimo kiss-watching in places like the Tisch Commons, the quesadilla line at Ursa’s and Whispers booths. And, be sure to look for the more ostentatious displays at the B-stacks, house parties or the grill at 2 a.m. on Saturday.

Though these Eskimo kisses make couples vulnerable to mocking and secret handshakes, they still remain the most disgustingly cute show of affection in the western hemisphere. So please, if you feel the need to enhance your sex life through Eskimo kisses, be sure to keep it classy.

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