Ecologist names WU Republican endangered species

Fellatio Hawkins | Super-Senior Political Analyst

Dr. Andromedus Schmidt, a member of the International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) and an ecology professor in the Wash. U. biology department, has convinced his organization to add Wash. U. Republican to the list of endangered species in light of his recently completed research of the Wash. U. habitat.

“It seems that despite their ability to prosper in many parts of Missouri, Republicans have a hard time thriving in the Wash. U. ecosystem,” said Schmidt. “Their niche of group meetings, guest speakers and Student Life editorials has been increasingly taken over by the Wash. U. Democrats, who seem to be growing exponentially. Our team at IUCN is still perplexed as to why the Democrats are thriving in this environment, while the Republicans are shrinking in number. Some say it’s the teachers, some say it’s the drugs, and some say it’s Bill O’Reilly, but none of these hypotheses have been tested.”

Schmidt’s research predicts that if there is not significant intervention by this upcoming fall, the Wash. U. Republican may be extinct as soon as 2013.

Mario Fettuccini, a senior biology major who helped Schmidt with his research, offered insight into what the Republicans might try to do to increase their numbers.

“Clearly, Republicans are not adequately equipped to survive in the Wash. U. ecosystem the way they’re going about things now,” Schmidt said. “They need to find a new niche that they can use to grow and prosper, kind of like how the Young Americans for Liberty did that gulag demonstration thingy last semester, but not as weird or disturbing.”

Fettuccini, as well as others involved in the project, are advocating for a preserve to protect the remaining Wash. U. Republicans. This preserve would not be open to the public, but would instead protect the Republicans from their natural predators, which include the liberal bias in the media and the political science department.

Schmidt is optimistic about the positive effects that the preserve might have in making sure that Republicans still have the ability to compete with the dominating Democrat species.

“It may be our only hope,” Schmidt said solemnly. “Without Republicans to balance things out a little bit, Wash. U. would be a very blue place indeed.”

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