Citing incidents, WU to rename W.I.L.D. ‘C.A.L.M.’: Come and Lose Memory

Colonel Angus | Whimsical Snob

After year upon year of dangerously rowdy conduct at the twice-annual music festival W.I.L.D. (Walk In Lay Down), the Washington University administration has finally decided on a name change that they hope will encourage better behavior among students in attendance.

“The name change to C.A.L.M. is something that we’ve thought about a lot and have finally decided to enact for the safety of our student body,” said Patricia Marizewski, associate assistant to the vice co-director of student entertainment affairs.

“The name change also demonstrates that the Wash. U. administration understands what actually goes on at W.I.L.D.,” Marizewski said.

Marizewski went on to explain that the administration has recently become “hip” to the purpose of the bi-annual music festival.

“Let’s get real here,” she said. “We know that nobody is actually ‘laying down’ at W.I.L.D., unless they’re too piss drunk to stand up and shout obnoxiously or are in the middle of calling EST on behalf of someone who is too piss drunk to stand up and shout obnoxiously. ‘Come and Lose Memory’ is a more realistic depiction of what’s happening in the quad during the musical performances.”

Dylan McMahon, a junior in the Beta Rho Omicron (BRO) fraternity, stated that his fraternity brothers are on board with the name change.

“It’s really nice to know that our university can point us in the right direction as far as conduct goes while also challenging us to brown out more times than we did last W.I.L.D.,” he said. “They’re really being quite supportive of us students.”

Marizewski pointed out that the name is not explicitly in reference to alcohol abuse.

“We know that our students consume alcoholic beverages,” she said. “But memory loss can be caused by a variety of other things, like amnesia, extreme stress, head trauma, PCP, purple drank and cheesing, and we need to make all students feel like their harmful practices are equally supported by the administration.”

Wash. U. is looking forward to kicking off the first official C.A.L.M. in the next month, providing students with the invaluable memories of listening to their friends tell them how ridiculous they were yesterday afternoon.

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