Turning sports terms into sex positions

| Student Life Staff

Sports are dirty; sometimes they’re rough. You can play them with a team or go solo, and they make you all sweaty and tired but also make you feel good and want to pat other people on the butt. What we’re trying to say is, sports are just like sex. And whenever we’re watching them on TV, the commentators are always saying things that make us giggle because, well, we’re immature. So that got us thinking: What if all those dirty-sounding sports terms were actually sex positions? And thus this list was born.

Hockey

Dangle: This one works for anal or vaginal penetration. Think reverse cowgirl (or boy!), but vertical. The dangler’s legs are wrapped tightly around the waist of his or her partner, and while hands on the floor can provide support, true athletes go hands free. Extra points if you can take it for a 360-degree spin while you’re at it. It’s like the Ice Capades!

Basketball

Crab dribble: Since this is just LeBron’s fancy term for traveling, we envision this act to be quite similar. As a man masturbates, he travels his partner’s body, all the while dribbling semen on his partner’s arms, chest, stomach, legs (with permission, of course). Perfect excuse for a sexytime couple’s shower! If performed correctly and safely, the crab dribble will not result in crabs.

Over the back violation: A vertical option for oral sex or anilingus. The receiving partner stands and holds the ankles of the other to their shoulders. The giving partner hangs over the other person’s back. For height reasons, legs may need to be wrapped around the waist instead.
Disclaimer 1: Despite the name of the position, we do not condone sex as a “violation,” so be sure to get your partner’s consent before attempting this one.
Disclaimer 2: Seriously though, this one is dangerous. Be careful. Student Life is not responsible for any choking or fall-induced head trauma that may occur.
Disclaimer 3: We recognize that this might not actually be humanly possible. But hey, you can try it.

Golf

Hole-in-one: No foreplay—straight for the hole. For those nights you just ain’t feelin’ the romance.

Backswing: For this one, make your thrusts even larger and more emphatic than usual. After all, a good backswing is key to a good stroke.

Four-man cha cha cha: Four people. Tournament style. The rules are…there are no rules.

Soccer

Offsides: Haven’t you ever just wanted to ask your partner to fuck you sideways? We thought so. You’re flat on your back. Your partner is nestled up on your side. It may take a little while to get the angle right, but just trust us on this one. We’re journalists.

Handball: Using your hands in soccer is a violation, but when it comes to sex, we’re all about it. If you’re performing fellatio, try to have some fun with the sensitive area known as the testicles. Tease and tickle, but always be gentle. And while you’re at it, alternate between moving your mouth and hands up and down the shaft. And do it upside down. On a roller coaster. Under the sea. That’s some good handball.

Baseball

Backdoor slider: Going through the backdoor should always be a slider. Come on, people, lube up. It’s common sense.

Corking the bat: You know what’s hard? (Hehe…we said hard.) Opening a bottle of champagne, that’s what. You end up kind of delicately twisting the cork out, afraid that it’s just going to pop off and hit you smack in the head. But on the bright side, gyration is generally a good thing when it comes to sex. For corking the bat, a woman straddles her partner, moving not only up and down on the “bat,” but also twisting from side to side to emulate the motion of teasing a cork out of a bottle. Just hope nothing goes flying across the room.

Knuckle Ball: Fisting. Just fisting.

Football

Three-point stance: We know what you’re thinking: “I don’t want to try all these new positions! Just let me stick to doggie style! It feels so good!” Well, friends, here’s a variation for those of you who are sick of having your knees chafed on the carpet. It’s just like the three-point stance used in football: crouched down, one hand on the ground, the other arm resting on your thigh or perhaps groping your partner’s sexy, muscular calves. And…thrust.

Cradling: A woman’s legs are wrapped around her partner’s waist. Her partner cradles her by placing his or her arms under her butt for support. This intimate position should build trust in the relationship, not to mention abdominals and biceps, which are sure to come in handy later.

Unnecessary roughness: Maybe you opt for completely bare. Maybe a nice trim. Or perhaps you prefer to let those luscious locks run wild. Everyone has their preferences. Just remember, ladies and gents: If you’re expecting your partner to go down on you, nobody likes the feeling of stubble on his or her face.

Excessive celebration: It had been a while, but dammit, it was so good. But don’t let the celebration get TOO raucous. Don’t pump your fist, and please don’t start chanting your own name. That’s a 15-yard penalty applied to the kick-off. Assuming there is another kick-off.

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