The first pornographic video game: ‘Custer’s Revenge’

| Cadenza Reporter

With the introduction of every new form of multimedia comes a fountainhead of new pornographic material. In an America when VHS was the peak of technology, the Atari 2600 allowed for vast new forays into porn-material-porn-user interaction. From this brave new world emerged “Custer’s Revenge” on Oct. 13, 1982.

The first entrants into the virtual world consisted of nothing more than slideshows of naked women served 8-bit style. This was a step backwards, as the creators of “Custer’s Revenge” no doubt believed. They designed a game with sex-based characters, a sex-based plot and a glorious victory: sex.

“Custer’s Revenge” follows the plight of General George Custer in his dangerous-yet-noble quest to violently rape a particularly well-endowed Native American woman named Revenge, who is tied to a pole near a tent city. However, savagely raping someone tied to a pole is never as easy as it seems. In order to reach his prize, Custer must constantly sidestep a shower of arrows fired from off-screen Indians who, we are forced to assume, disapprove of Custer’s vicious lust.

“Custer’s Revenge” truly excels in character development. Custer, the “hero” in this story, is portrayed as the average man. He wears no clothing except for a trendy cowboy hat, a comfortable pair of cowboy boots and a vibrant bandana. He also sports a hearty 8-bit erection. With a single glance at his impressive six diagonally arranged pixels, one can truly feel Custer’s desire. After a quick playthrough, it’s hard to blame him; just across the way is a completely bare Native American woman wearing nothing more than a feather in her hair. The graphics designers were kind enough to bestow upon her a magnificent ass and pair of tits. As Custer approaches, his imposing manhood visible, she must surely feel the urges as well, since she does not scream, struggle or make any attempt to escape.

The decision to make the gameplay arcade-style instead of putting it in story mode should be heralded as brilliant. When Custer finally gets his Revenge (ha), the game does not end. Instead, a hilarious romping ensues, with each thrust gaining the player 1 point. With arrows still hailing down upon Custer, the player must carefully evade and hump with cat-like reflexes should he or she want to get the high score.

A surprising addition unseen in most video games was the attention to detail. A tent in the background sends up sporadic smoke signals to give an authentic westward-expedition feel. With each step, Custer’s erect schlong bounces up and down with tense anticipation. Each plunge into Revenge causes her feather to sway back and forth while her legs fly up and down. Arrow wounds cause Custer to experience blood loss leading to low blood pressure and an unfortunate limp dick.

“Custer’s Revenge” made a big splash in the video game community and has been lauded by many prestigious gaming institutions to be one of the worst video games of all time. Many criticize the game for its adult themes, inherent racism and attempt at making rape fun. However, they miss the true messages of the game: political commentary on the application of manifest destiny, comedic satire on the political correctness of the 2000s and a boyish manifestation of our primal desires. “Custer’s Revenge” was truly ahead of its time.

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