In high school, I was on the Constitution team and my boyfriend looked like the dude with long hair from “Dazed and Confused.” When I got to Washington University, I was in heaven. There were smart, attractive guys everywhere and I was finally ready to spread my wings, become a woman and stop wearing my retainer during the day. I had only kissed one boy before I got to college, which is why I was overwhelmed yet somewhat excited by the college hookup culture. Unfortunately for me, instead of meeting mature, handsome intellectuals like I expected to, I ended up with one of the weirdest college stories ever.

One night, I headed over to a nondescript frat and began chatting with some friends when this striking, tall drink of water locked eyes with me. He approached me and told me in a really bro-chill voice that he was on his way to becoming the beer-pong champion of the night and that he would definitely find me later. I was about to leave the frat when my guy rushed after me and told me that he was a student at Bucknell and was visiting a friend at Washington University. He explained that he could not find his friend and was in dire need of a place to stay. His story sounded plausible, and so I told him that he could sleep in my common room.

When we got to my romantic old freshman triple on Lee 1, my two roommates were thankfully sleeping. Ben (real names are used because I do not care about protecting the identity of an idiot), smelling deliciously of stale Natural Light and with perfectly unkept hair, suddenly looked at me longingly and went in for the kiss. If I saw fireworks and unicorns, I don’t remember, probably because I can’t seem to shake what happened soon after.

About three hours later, Ben casually woke up and seemed to be studying the contents of my desk. I never took him to be the intellectual type, so I got up to see what Shady Ben was really up to and gasped when I saw that he was taking his morning pee on my desk. I calmly asked him to put his junk away and I began to clean up the awful, warm urine that coated my desk, my computer and my final draft of an essay for a class that I will leave anonymous. I suddenly began to freak out on this bro. He obviously was not used to being reprimanded and excused himself to go to the bathroom.

I never saw Ben again. I took my brand new MacBook to the Apple Store the next day to buy a new hard drive. I was forced to turn in a copy of my essay decorated with a pee stain because all was lost when my computer crashed. Thankfully, I remembered Ben’s full name and found him on Facebook. I sent him a message that I will copy and paste below:

Laura McGinnis: Hey! Sorry I freaked out the other night. Hope you made it back okay to your friend’s place!

Shady Ben: hey ya everythings fine, what happened tho, whyd you freak out

Laura McGinnis: Are you kidding?! you peed on my desk!!!! You pissed on my computer and my essay is covered in your pee!!

Ben never responded. College is college.