5. “Human Centipede”

“Human Centipede” is a 2010 horror film that deals with a mad German scientist who decides to surgically alter his victims. He does this by connecting his victims’ mouths to their anuses to form the aforementioned “human centipede.” Not only will it make you despair at the sick, depraved depths of human imagination, but your night will be spent either at a church praying for the filmmaker’s sullied soul or in the bathroom vomiting your dinner.

4. “Revolutionary Road”

“Revolutionary Road” is a movie about marriage and suburban life from the cynic’s point of view, a companion piece to “American Beauty.” Sam Mendes decides to answer the question “What would have happened if Leo had survived and married Kate?” Well, Kate would have children she didn’t want, Leo would cheat on her with his secretary, she would cheat on him with their neighbor and then perform a self-abortion and die. An indictment of couple life, it is more likely to leave you considering your escape route than sex.

3. “Schindler’s List”

If you were looking for a film that would get you laid, you’d probably go for something light-hearted, cute and funny with a sticky-sweet ending, like “Notting Hill.”

Three-hour-long, black-and-white films about the Holocaust, on the other hand…

2. “Hard Candy”

A pre-“Juno” Ellen Page tries to force a presumed pedophile to admit his crime. Page plays Hayley Stark, a 14-year-old who meets Jeff Kohlver (Patrick Wilson) in an Internet chatroom, agrees to meet up with him and follows him to his house. He tries to make her drink in order to sleep with her. However, Ellen Page turns the tables on him and prepares to castrate him. We also eventually learn that he was a pedophile who raped and killed a girl.

So a film about Internet predation, rape, pedophilia and castration. What could possibly top that in the no-way-are-we-having-sex stakes?

1. “Antichrist”

“Dogville” was bad enough in getting your boy/girlfriend to consider making the night a little longer (“Hey sweetie, let’s watch a film about mass gang rape!”), but somehow, “Antichrist” goes way, way beyond it. In this film straight from Lars Von Trier’s twisted mind, every single sex scene leads to something horrific. First of all, Gainsbourg and Dafoe’s child falls out of a window during shower sex. As part of Gainsbourg’s recovery process, Defoe decides to take his wife out in the mountains. They have sex under a tree, and hands start growing from the roots and seem to claw at the couple. So, creepy, but nothing overtly soul-destroying, right?

Wrong. In the “Oh my God, What the hell is happening, oh…NOOOOOO! GOD NOOO! WHY??? WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THAT?” moment, Gainsbourg grabs a piece of wood and CRUSHES DAFOE’S PENIS WITH IT. Then she drills a hole in his leg. And as she does its, she gives Dafoe a handjob until he ejaculates blood. It will make every man in the audience cringe for days and possibly curl up in a ball at the mere mention of sex. Bear in mind that this does not happen off screen. You see an actual penis being crushed by a rock and then actually ejaculate blood.

Von Trier also decides to scar female audiences for eternity by making Gainsbourg cut off her clitoris with a pair of scissors.

So remember when you’re at the video store reaching for a tape, Lars Von Trier’s life mission is to single-handedly ruin your sex life.